Life on Terra
by Lady Of The Semicolons
Summary: AU. Humorous snippets of what might have happened if Zidane had grown up on Terra. Chapters may not be in chronological order. Kuja technically ought to be older than he is, but he is closer in age with Zidane for the sake of the story.
1. Redecorating

Don't own Final Fantasy

I will add to this, but it might not always be in chronological order. So to avoid confusion, I'll always have the ages underneath the title. And the age gap between Kuja and Zidane is probably a bit closer than it is than in the game.

Redecorating

_(Zidane: age 4; Kuja: age 6)_

"Kuja! I'm bored!"

"Nobody cares!"

"But Garland said you were supposed to watch me!"

"He never said anything about entertaining you."

"But—wait, what does entertaining mean?"

"You seriously don't know? You are a numbskull."

"I'm telling Garland you said that!"

"He's busy. And I doubt he'd be happy if you barged in on him."

Zidane stuck his tongue out. Kuja rolled his eyes.

"Pleeeeaase, Kuja? I'm bored."

"No."

"That book you're reading can't be that interesting."

"_Au contraire_, little brother."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Just go away."

"But Garland said—"

"I don't care! Go away!"

Shoulders slumped, Zidane left the room. Castle Pandemonium was big and easy to get lost in, something that usually happened to Zidane once a week. Zidane found himself in the room Garland called the entrance hall, because it was the first room you saw when you first entered the castle. The walls were the same no matter what room you were in—black, depressing, and boring.

_Boring…_ thought Zidane. Then he got a wonderful idea, and smiled. After thinking a moment to remember where his room was at, he scurried away to put his plan into action.

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Garland teleported in. He only took a single step before stumbling with a curse on some unidentified object. A moment's inspection revealed the culprit to be a paint can… an empty paint can. Garland looked up.

Every hue imaginable—pinks, greens, blues, reds, yellows, oranges, purples, whites—was splattered throughout the entrance hall. Garland only had to walk into the next room to find the perpetrator. Zidane sat there on the floor, slinging paint without a care in the world.

"Zidane."

Zidane turned at the sound of his voice. "I redecorated for you, Garland," he said proudly.

"I noticed," Garland answered in a constricted voice. "Did it occur to you to ask first?"

Zidane didn't miss the tone. "Uh oh," he whispered.

Garland picked him up by the scruff of the neck. "And where is Kuja?"

"The library."

Still holding Zidane, Garland marched to the door leading to the library. "KUJA!"

"Whatever happened, Zidane did it, not me."

"AND WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?" The door slammed open, and Kuja was being held in the same manner as Zidane. "The two of you are going to scrub off every inch of that damned paint even if it takes all night!" Zidane started crying.

"Paint?" protested Kuja. "But I didn't do anything!"

"If you two keep up the racket, I'll throw in a Psychokinesis as well!"

"But I didn't—"

"QUIET!"

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"I hate you," whispered Kuja as they worked with all their might to wash the paint off.

"I'm gonna tell Garland you said that," said Zidane.

"Shut up, numbskull."

"GARLAND!"


	2. Beginner

Beginner

_(Zidane: age 5; Kuja: age 7)_

"Garland, do we really have to go?"

"You ask this every year, Kuja. And the answer remains the same: Yes."

"But you said the inhabitants of Gaia are inferior beings!"

"I did, and you should never forget it."

"But why are we accostiating with them if they're inferior?"

"The word is 'associating,' Kuja. And there are two reasons why I am sending you two to a school on Gaia. First of all, it is always wise to know the ways of an enemy, in case you have to pass yourselves as one of them. Sometimes subterfuge works better than open violence."

"What's subterfuge?" asked Kuja and Zidane at the same time.

Garland sighed. "Never mind. The second reason why you're going is because the two of you drive me insane. Now that Zidane is old enough to go, I might finally get some work done."

It was Zidane's first time on the airship Invincible. Garland had told them that he was only piloting them because it was the first day of school; for the rest of the year they would have to use a silver dragon. There was a big flash of light, and they emerged on Gaia. Kuja, having already done this for two years, barely passed a glance at the surroundings, but the younger Genome couldn't tear his eyes away from the window. How different it was from Terra! So much water! But before long, the water was replaced with land—_green_ land. So this was the Mist Continent.

"Wow…" breathed Zidane.

Kuja rolled his eyes. "You're so easily impressed, Zidane."

Zidane was too absorbed to retort for once. He asked, "So what's a teacher like, Kuja?"

"She likes to suck peoples' brains out."

"What?"

"It's true. I saw it happen before."

"GARLAND!" He ran to the bridge of the ship.

Exasperated, Garland snapped, "What?"

"I don't wanna go anymore. Kuja says the teacher eats brains."

"Kuja is lying, AND IF HE DOESN'T STOP IT THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME SEVERE CONSEQUENCES!"

Kuja pouted. "I didn't do anything."

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The three of them stood outside the school building. "Remember," said Garland, "try to be polite, but don't get too friendly. They are Gaians, after all. Kuja, show Zidane where to go. I will come for you today with the Invincible, but _only _today." He turned and left.

Zidane looked at Kuja in desperation. "Look," said Kuja, "Let's get something straight. While we are here, I am going to pretend that I don't even know you."

"Why?"

"Because you embarrass me in every way possible. And there's no use in crying," he added as Zidane's lip trembled, "because Garland's not here." He pointed to a congregation of small children. "The kindergarteners are over there. That's where you go. Goodbye."

It took a lot of courage for Zidane to make his way to his fellow classmates. There are few things as terrifying as the very first day of school. He wasn't sure where to look.

One boy looked as Zidane approached. "Hi," he said.

Completely disregarding what he had just been told by Garland, Zidane replied with a smile, "Hi! My name's Zidane. What's yours?"

"Blank," answered the boy. Before they could say any more, the teacher came to lead them to the classroom. She seemed pretty harmless, but Zidane decided to keep his eye on her anyway.

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"Alright, class, I thought that before we do anything else, we ought to introduce ourselves. When I say your name, stand up and tell us something about yourselves."

Zidane kept fidgeting, eager for his turn. But his name was almost the very last. "Alright," the teacher said, "next is… Zidane?"

He literally jumped up. "My name is Zidane Tribal," he said proudly, "and I like feeding beans to dragons. But it gives them the farts."

There was a slight pause. "That is very… er, nice, Zidane," said the teacher. She did a double-take. "Wait a moment… your last name is Tribal?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Do you happen to have an older brother named Kuja?"

Zidane, being only five years old, didn't recognize the apprehension in her voice. "Yep," he answered cheerfully.

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The teacher had only three words on her mind.

_Kill me now._


	3. The Consequences of Hide and Seek

The Consequences of Hide-and-Seek

_(Zidane: age 3; Kuja: age 5)_

Castle Pandemonium wasn't exactly an ideal place for children. It was dark, dreary, and for some downright scary. But then again, there was a plus side as well.

"Let's play hide-and-seek," said Kuja.

"Huh?" asked Zidane. "What's that?"

"What is hide-and-seek? Are you serious?"

"What's serious mean?"

Kuja palmed himself in the face. "Never mind that. Hide-and-seek is a game…"

"Game? YAY! I like games."

"It goes like this. One person is the hider, and the other person is the seeker. The seeker closes his eyes and starts counting. While he's doing that, the hider has to go find a hiding spot before the seeker gets done counting. When the seeker gets done counting, he looks for the hider. The game is done when he finds the hider, unless the hider hides really good. Get it?"

"I think so."

Kuja thought for a moment. "Wait, do you know how to count?"

"One, two, three… eight… uh…"

"Never mind, you can just be the hider. So… I'll close my eyes, and you hide. Ready? Go!" Kuja covered his eyes. "One, two, three…" He went all the way to thirty, a fact he was very proud of. He uncovered his eyes to find Zidane still standing there. "_Zidane!_ You're supposed to go hide!"

"Oh…"

Kuja sighed. Let's try this again…

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Zidane watched Kuja count again, then remember that he was supposed to go hide. There were all kinds of hiding places, but he was afraid of getting lost. But he had to go hide, because that's how the game worked, wasn't it?

_I'm hungry_ he thought suddenly, and brightened up. The pantry would be an excellent hiding spot.

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"Twenty-nine, thirty!" Kuja uncovered his eyes. Zidane was gone this time. Now, where could he have gone?

_If I were Zidane, where would I go? _he thought. It only took thirty seconds to answer that question. He sighed. Zidane was dreadfully easy to figure out.

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Everybody has their own weird quirks. Zidane's quirk was a liking for lima beans. He wouldn't eat them if they were cooked. Kuja called him a weirdo for eating raw beans, but that didn't faze Zidane much. Name-calling was just what Kuja did.

Zidane reached into a barrel with a whole fistful of the beans and put them in his pocket. He did it until his pocket was bulging—it was a big pocket, especially for someone as small as him. Then he filled the other pocket. Then he popped three into his mouth.

And that was when Kuja opened the door. "I knew it!" he said. "I knew you'd be here."

"Do I get to be the seeker now?" Zidane asked.

"No, because you can't count."

"Yes I can! One, two, three, eight… uh…"

"No, you can't. Eight doesn't come after three. You go hide again—and pick a better hiding place this time." Kuja covered his eyes and began counting.

Now where was Zidane supposed to go? He took a right… wait a minute, which one was right and which one was left? He forgot again. Now he was lost.

Wait, that door looked familiar… he went up to it. No, it wasn't the same door. This door was bigger than the one that led to his bedroom. There was a snort. Zidane jumped—was that the door? No, it was something behind the door. Curious, he turned the handle and entered. If nothing else, he could hide here.

The door led into an enormous room, so big that he couldn't see the ceiling. He looked all about, and discovered what had made the noise. Dragons. Kuja had said they lived in Pandemonium somewhere.

One of them flew up to Zidane, sniffing him out. Did dragons eat Genomes? He couldn't remember. An idea came to him. Maybe dragons liked lima beans?

He pulled a bean out of his pocket and tossed it. The dragon snapped it up, doing a somersault in the air as it did. Zidane giggled. They _did _like lima beans. The other dragons noticed the commotion, and before long Zidane was feeding them all. They obviously liked them a lot—they kept doing tricks and kept coming back for more.

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The fun lasted for nearly two hours. "Sorry," said Zidane, "I don't got no more." He decided he would go find a place to hide now. "Bye-bye," he told the dragons.

After wandering some more, Zidane found the door to his bedroom. That would be an excellent hiding spot.

An hour later, Kuja found Zidane asleep on his own bed, which confused him, because he had searched there three times already. _Where has he been all this time?_

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Garland, Overseer of Terra, could hear a commotion on the third floor. He frowned; it sounded like it came from the dragon enclosure. What was happening? Were they fighting again? It wasn't usually like them to fight one another. He had better check it out.

When he got to the door, he hesitated. The noises issuing from within didn't sound like clawing or biting. It sounded like… trumpeting? Throwing caution to the wind, he opened the door.

He bit back the urge to vomit. What was that vile smell? The question was answered as one of the dragons passed more wind than Fenrir's Millennial Decay. Urgh! Why were they all _farting?_

He took a step and heard a slight _crunch._ He picked up his foot to reveal… a lima bean?

"ZIDANE!"


	4. Pet Day

Pet Day

_(Kuja: age 5)_

"Remember, class, tomorrow is pet day. Bring your favorite pet and tell us a little bit about them."

Kuja was surprised. They were actually doing something interesting tomorrow? That had to be a first. He smiled. Pet day was going to _fun._

The kindergarten teacher saw his smile. She looked a little worried as she dismissed the class for the day. She always looked that way when she could see that Kuja was in a good mood. Kuja didn't know why. Maybe it had something to do with the Thunder spells he cast in class almost every other day. But hey, what else was he supposed to do? This place was so _boring._ But tomorrow would be loads of fun.

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The next day, Kuja was positively grinning. The teacher kept throwing apprehensive glances at him—and his lack of a pet. His fellow students had noticed this lack as well, but their inquiries fell upon deaf ears.

Gerbils, hamsters, goldfish, rabbits—good grief, these pets were so boring. Kuja was tempted to cast a few Fire spells to liven things up. But he refrained; that would spoil what he had in store.

He was sure that the teacher was stalling as long as she could to avoid calling on him. Well, wasn't that rude. But it didn't matter; in fact, being the last one would make it all the better. So Kuja was patient.

At last she could delay no longer. "Kuja, do you have a pet to share?"

"Yes, I do," he replied sweetly.

"I… don't see one with you."

Kuja just smiled and went to the front of the class. Taking a deep breath, he shouted at the top of his lungs, "FLUFFY!"

There was an almighty crash. The entire class—minus Kuja, of course—screamed as a silver dragon burst through the wall, creating a huge hole. "This is Fluffy," said Kuja a tad unnecessarily. "He's my pet silver dragon. Let me tell you all about him."

Kuja had his speech completely memorized. Not being a full-grown silver dragon, Fluffy didn't have the capacity to do half—no, practically all—of what was on Kuja's list. But telling the truth is never as much as lying. "As I said, this is Fluffy, everyone. You had better keep back away, because he's been trained to eat people, except for me. Fluffy destroys buildings, eats people, breathes fire, scares old people, shoots laser beams from his eyeballs, shoots poison from his nose, shoots Blizzaga spells from his butt, demolishes cities, uproot trees, and electrocute people. He isn't supposed to eat vegetables, though. I can ride him, too. And that is my pet for pet day." He gave a theatrical bow.

The entire class was silent until one of Kuja's classmate's asked tentatively, "Why isn't he allowed to eat vegetable?"

Kuja frowned. "Actually, I don't know. Garland just told me something very bad would happen if I did."

Unfortunately (for the other students, at least), Fluffy chose this moment to start flying again. He made one lap around the classroom before crashing into another wall and flying off to other parts of the school.

Everybody was running and screaming, except for Kuja. He could have called Fluffy off, but that would ruin the fun. The biggest pity was that by now they probably figured out that he had exaggerated on what Fluffy could do. Oh well, you couldn't have everything in life.

Not until he heard the final bell over the ensuing chaos did he call, "FLUFFY!" Kuja waved at the teachers and students merrily as he flew away.

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The Overseer of Terra, Garland, was flummoxed. A letter? How was anyone able to find his address? But he decided to open it anyway.

By the time he was finished, his eye was twitching. "KUJA!"

"Whatever it is, Zidane did it!" came the reply.

"KUJA, COME HERE!"

Kuja entered Garland's study with a sullen look on his face. "What?"

"Kuja, what have I told you about terrorizing people?"

"That I shouldn't do it until I'm old enough so that people will trust me?"

Garland flourished the letter in his hand. "I received this letter from your principal…"

"Uh oh."

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Kuja hated Psychokinesis. It was Garland's favorite punishment method: suspending young wrongdoers upside down for an hour or so. What he hated about this particular time was the fact that Zidane wasn't here with him. Whenever possible, Kuja tried to place the blame on his younger brother. When that didn't work, he usually was able to convince Garland that both of them were responsible. Taunting Zidane made the punishment more tolerable. With the letter, and the fact that Zidane wasn't old enough to go to school, he wasn't able to do that this time. Kuja sighed.

Oh, but it had so been worth it!


	5. Brothers

Brothers

_(Zidane: age 6; Kuja: age 8)_

The final bell rang, and Kuja went outside. No Zidane. Kuja stood there and waited. No Zidane. This was their meeting place—where was he? Kuja became impatient. They had a ten minute walk ahead of them—Fluffy wasn't allowed on school premises.

Kuja started pacing, but halted when a familiar figure sitting on a bench caught his eye. What did Zidane think he was doing? He intended to ask that very question. But hang on, what was that sound?

Zidane was weeping. His whole face was scrunched up in the most pitiful expression, and tears kept welling and spilling down his face. He had his knees pulled up to his chest, hugging them for dear life. The whole scene was pathetic.

"What's up with you?" asked Kuja.

Zidane looked up, noticing him for the first time. He cried harder.

"Look, just tell me so we can get this over with."

"T-T-Teddy R-Randal m-m-m-m-m-m-m-made f-f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-m-m-me. H-He s-s-s-said th-that I was a f-f-f-f-f-freak of n-n-niture…"

"Niture? Do you mean nature?"

"D-D-Dunno. And h-h-h-h-h-h-he s-s-said I should g-g-g-go l-l-l-live under a r-r-r-r-r-rock 'cause he s-s-said nobody likes f-f-f-f-f-f-freaks l-l-like me. 'Cause I'm the only one w-w-w-with a t-t-t-t-t-t-tail…" He began howling again.

"Teddy Randall… isn't that the kid who has hair like a scarecrow?"

The younger Genome was too preoccupied to answer.

He answered his own question. "I think it is." Zidane kept crying. "Come on. We need to go." The boy wouldn't budge. A weird feeling formed in Kuja's gut—was he getting sick? "Zidane, come on." As much as he would rather not, Kuja seized Zidane's hand and pulled him along.

Zidane was still crying when they got to Fluffy. The weird feeling in Kuja's gut got more noticeable. "Look, Zidane," he said, "I've told you more or less the same thing for as long as you've been alive. You've never let it bother you before. But you'll let one stupid dutch-bag get the better of you?"

And miraculously, Zidane stopped, apart from a few sniffles here and there. "What's a dutch-bag?"

"It's a secret. Maybe when you're older, I'll tell you. But if you tell Garland about it, I'll tie you up in the dragon room and feed them all a big bucket of beans."

"Oh. Okay."

"Let's go home, then."

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Recess was so boring. But Kuja had to admit, it was better than being in class, even if it was noisier than an angry malboro. By now, he could usually drown most of it out. But today something caught his attention for once.

"I'm surprised you actually came back, freak. I figured you'd have enough sense to stay away from normal people."

There was Zidane, backed against the wall of the school building. Standing in front of him had to be the same kid he had told Kuja about yesterday—Teddy Randall. Kuja had been correct—of course he had been correct—the bully looked like a scarecrow. His reddish blonde hair went in every direction like it was made of straw. He gave Zidane a slight shove. Zidane had tears in his eyes, although he wasn't sobbing, at least not yet.

"Excuse me," called Kuja.

Teddy Randall jerked his head around. "What do you want?"

"I think that's my brother that you're pushing around and calling a freak. I'm going to ask you to stop."

He sneered. "Oh, yeah? I didn't know the freak had a brother. What if I don't stop? What's a wimp like you gonna do?"

"I don't think you'd like to find out."

Teddy kicked Zidane in the shins, making him fall. "Furry-tailed freak!" he yelled.

"Big mistake," warned Kuja. "FIRA!"

Teddy Randall's shorts caught on fire. He screamed like a girl and ran like a headless chicken, a sight that warmed Kuja's soul. But then Kuja paused for a moment. He had never been able to cast a spell as advanced as Fira before. That was interesting… and odd. Why had he been able to do it?

His attention turned to his brother, still on the ground. But he wasn't crying; he was staring with eyes bigger than a pair of saucers. Kuja helped him up.

"You helped me," said Zidane in disbelief.

"I guess I did."

Before Kuja could dodge it, Zidane leaped and gave Kuja a hug.

"Okay, okay, I get the idea, now GET OFF! Sheesh." He pried the younger boy off and started to walk away.

"Thanks, Kuja."

"Nobody tortures my little brother—that's my job." Something made Kuja look back. His brother was smiling. At him. That was something that never happened.

The words felt bulky and difficult, but he said them anyway.

"You're welcome." But they were followed by, "You are a dead Genome if you tell a soul about this."


	6. Birds, Bees, and Fishy Tanks

I usually prefer to keep myself as scarce as possible, but I feel obligated to do this for once. Ten reviews? *bows deeply* I thank you all very much. This one is rather short, but here it is.

Birds, Bees, and Fishy Tanks

_(Zidane: age 6)_

"Mrs. Teacher!" a student called out.

The first grade teacher looked up. "Yes, Eva?"

"Do you know where babies come?"

"I… well…"

"Oh, come on," said a boy whose name Zidane always forgot. "Everybody knows that! When the mommy and the daddy decided they want a baby, they call up the stork!"

"What's a stork?" asked a girl with blue-green hair.

"It's a ginormous bird," answered Blank. "And that isn't true. You buy babies at the store; that's where they come from."

"They do not!" cried someone else. "But it's not a stork, neither—it's a chocobo."

"Children, settle down. We need to get back to work," said the teacher.

"You guys are all wrong," said Zidane. "That's not where babies come from at all. I know, because I seen it happen before."

"Zidane…" warned the teacher.

Zidane stood up and continued, "It goes like this. You take a bunch of bottles with colors in them, and then you put them all in a tester tub. Then you gotta wait for like three days. After that, you dump it out of the tester tube and put it in a fishy tank. You're not supposed to put fishies in the tank, though. I did that once, and Garland yelled at me for an hour and stuck me on the ceiling. But anyway, whatever is in the tester tube turns into a blob, and then the blob turns into a baby. And _that's_ where babies come from."

The teacher could do nothing but stare with her mouth hanging wide open. Eva, the girl who had started this whole business, grimaced and said, "Eww."

"That's not true," said the boy who brought up the stork.

"It is true. I seen it happen."

The teacher caught her bearings. "Thank you very much for sharing that, Zidane. It was very… interesting." Zidane had a happy smile on his face. "Now, if you'd please sit down so we can go back to the lesson…"

"Oh, okay."

The teacher ran a hand through her hair. The things that boy came up with… it was enough to flip you over the edge. Where he get these bizarre ideas from?


	7. Garland's Tactic Change

Garland's Tactic Change

_(Zidane: age 3; Kuja, age 5)_

Garland never visited Gaia unless he had to. Most of his time was devoted to more important things. But even so, he _had_ been there. He noted once that Gaia had much more diversity in its life-forms than Terra did. For now.

One Gaian creature that had left a strong impression on Garland was the elephant. Elephants were huge, loud, and impressive. He had seen a whole herd of them stampede once. The sound and the chaos was unbelievable.

The sound coming from outside his study door sounded exactly like that. He could have bet all the Gil in both worlds on what was the cause of this ruckus. The only thing that remained a mystery was what Zidane and Kuja had done now. With dread, he opened his door.

Which he regretted at once, because he choked on the worst smell thinkable. His suspicions were confirmed as a silver dragon whizzed by, farting like no tomorrow. _Somebody_ fed them beans again. But worse, that _somebody_ didn't close the dragon enclosure door behind them. Garland frowned—he had been sure he had had a lock installed after the last time. Apparently not. So a horde of gas-suffering dragons were running amok in the castle. Lovely.

Two hours of rounding up dragons, one hour of yelling at the brothers (it turned out he _did _have a lock on the door; Kuja had opened it with magic), and a Psychokinesis later, Garland sat down in a chair in his study and groaned. Why did these things happen? Things couldn't go on like this. The entire future of Terra might depend on these two! Garland stopped to consider that last thought.

_Terra is doomed._

He tried to reason with himself. There was time. They just haven't reached maturity yet. The time will come.

But if they didn't change this circus act…

He needed a back up plan. But what? What else could he do?

_What about a third Genome?_

There was an idea.

But Zidane and Kuja… those boys were more than enough already.

Those _boys…_

Garland congratulated himself. That idea might just work.

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"I'm telling you," said Kuja, "something weird is going on. Garland doesn't usually go in that room."

"Fishy-tank room?"

"Yes," he answered, exasperated. "And he locked the door, too."

"Why?"

"That's what I'm trying to say! I don't know! Something weird! The last time Garland did this, _you_ came here. He came out of that same door and said, 'Kuja, you've got a brother.'"

"Where was I before?"

"I don't know! That's the point—oh, never mind. You're more dumb than a rock, Zidane."

"Nuh-uh…"

"Yeah, you are." But Kuja was impatient to get back on subject. "But anyway, I think he's building another brother."

"Why?"

"I. Don't. Know. So stop asking that!"

"Will the new brother be mean like you?"

"I hope so." Zidane pouted. Seizing an excellent chance, Kuja went on, "You what, since Garland's building a new brother, that means he don't like you anymore."

"Not true!"

"Pretty much. The whole purpose of little brothers is to make people miserable."

"Nobody told me that…"

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The two of them sat in front of the door to the lab every day, waiting for Garland to come out. Every day. It was three weeks before he did.

Garland was slightly surprised to see the two of them sitting there on the ground.

"Err, what have you two been doing?" he asked.

"Waiting to see if you'd ever come out," said Kuja.

"Well, as you can see, I have." They both just looked at him expectantly. They guessed, didn't they? "Seeing as you're both here, I've got something to tell you. The two of you now have a sister."

Dead silence. "What's a sister," they asked simultaneously.

Garland palmed himself in the face. But how would they know? "A sister is like a brother, only a sister is a girl instead of a boy."

"I didn't know you could have girl brothers," said Zidane.

"Yes, you can," said Garland. "But you don't call them girl brothers; you call them sisters."

"Why?"

"I… I don't know."

"What does he look like?"

"Who?"

"The sister."

"When you're talking about a girl, you don't say 'he,' you say 'she.'"

"Oh."

"But what _does _she look like?" demanded Kuja.

Garland sighed. "Alright, I'll show you."

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The baby was asleep.

"That's boring," said Zidane.

"No kidding," said Kuja. "_You_ never stopped crying." He thought a moment. "And you still do."

"Do not!"

"If either of you wake her up," said Garland with gritted teeth, "I shall see that something extremely unpleasant befalls you."

"What does that mean?" asked Zidane.

"IT MEANS BE QUIET!" The baby started crying. Garland groaned. "Get out, both of you!" The boys had the sense to scamper.

Garland had forgotten how much he hated the crying of infants. Normal, soulless Genomes could remain in a state of stasis until their adulthood. Not so with his special Genomes—their bodies had to mature naturally.

But by the time he went over to inspect this particular infant, she had already stopped crying. Kuja had been correct; Zidane would have gone on for hours. Maybe this was a good omen…

The door eased open again. "What is it, Zidane?" Garland asked wearily.

"Kuja said—"

"Whatever Kuja said to you, it probably isn't true."

"So you still like Kuja and me?"

"Of all the—don't be ridiculous. Why wouldn't I like you?"

"Kuja said—"

"Just don't listen to Kuja."

"So you do like us still?"

"Yes, Zidane."

The child had a smile on his face. He asked, "Does the sister have a name?"

He had forgotten about that. "No, actually. She still needs one."

"You could name her Smurty."

Good grief. And he had thought Kuja naming the dragon Fluffy had been ridiculous. "I don't think so."

"Oh. Okay."

Garland thought for a moment. "Her name is Mikoto."


	8. Do I Look Undead?

Do I Look Undead?

_(Zidane: age 10; Kuja: age 12; Mikoto: age 7)_

"Kuja, you lie about stuff all the time. You told me that teachers eat brains, that malboros like belly rubs, that goldfish sing if you put them in apple juice, and that if you eat grass you can fly like a bat. None of _those _things are true, so why should I believe you this time?"

"Do you ever _watch _her? It's not natural."

"She seems alright to me."

"Don't you ever notice how she never gets excited? Or angry, or scared, or anything?"

"Well… yeah…"

"I know that I lie a lot, but I'm telling you the honest truth this time. I think Mikoto is a zombie."

"But why would she be?"

"I don't know! But I swear she is!"

"I thought zombies went out and attacked people."

"Maybe not all zombies are the same, nitwit!"

"She starts school tomorrow. I don't think Garland would send her if she was a zombie…"

"Maybe he doesn't know."

"I'm not sure, Kuja."

*****************************************************************************

"Are we all gonna be able to fit on Fluffy?" asked Zidane. Garland had said that some urgent business come up—meaning he was unable to transport them via the Invincible for their first day of school.

"Of course we are—don't be ridiculous," snapped Kuja.

It took a bit of scrambling, but they managed to situate themselves: Kuja in front, Zidane in the middle, and Mikoto taking the rear. Off they went.

"Why do I have to sit in the middle?"

"Because you're the middle child, that's why."

"Are you sure it's not 'cause you're scared of—"

"_Shut up,_ Zidane."

"I think you are."

"I most certainly am not!"

"What are you afraid of, Kuja?" asked Mikoto.

"It's nothing. What you've got to understand is that Zidane is a moronic idiot."

"I am not!"

"Kuja…" began Mikoto, but Kuja was preoccupied.

"You are _so_ a moronic idiot, Zidane."

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Kuja…" Mikoto tried again.

"What?"

"We're about to hit a cloud."

"CRAP!"

Kuja tried to get Fluffy to move, but was unsuccessful. The three of them got soaked.

"Crap!" said Kuja again.

"I'm gonna tell Garland you said that," said Zidane.

"Oh, shut up."

*****************************************************************************

The teacher froze. She pinched herself. No, it wasn't a dream. But that student looked exactly like Zidane…

But no, it wasn't Zidane… because it was a girl. But she looked exactly like Zidane—tail and all. She checked her roster. _Mikoto Tribal._ Then she must be his sister.

She had flipped out when she had found out who Zidane was, because she was sure he would behave like his brother. But she had been pleasantly surprised that, while Zidane was by all means eccentric, he was of a much milder temperament. But what was Mikoto going to be like? She was half-afraid to find out.

*****************************************************************************

"Mikoto Tribal?"

The girl stood up. "Just what am I supposed to say?"

"Just something about yourself, so that we can get to know you a little better. Like… maybe your favorite color?"

"What difference does it make what my favorite color is?"

"Well… everyone has a favorite color. Or you could tell us something else, if you like."

"My name… is Mikoto, and I find this exercise useless." She sat back down.

The teacher was taken aback. "Al-alright then…"

A kid in the back said, "You got older brothers, doncha? And one of 'em's got a tail like yours?"

"Both of my brothers have tails," said Mikoto. "But Kuja prefers to keep it hidden."

"I heard 'em say that you're a zombie. Is that for real?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"_Are_ you a zombie?"

"No."

"Alright," interrupted the teacher, "enough of that. We still have a few more people who need to introduce themselves…"

*****************************************************************************

The flight home was much dryer—Kuja paid closer attention this time. Mikoto began staring at the two of them once they returned to Castle Pandemonium.

"What's your problem?" asked Kuja.

Mikoto replied, "Zombie: an undead corpse, reanimated by witchcraft, black magic, or necromancy, whose sole intention is to take the life of others. Zombies are identified by black, whiteless eyes, overlarge jaws, an exposed ribcage, and skin varying between white, red, and black, depending on the state of the body's decomposition. I want to ask you a question: Do I _really_ look undead to you?"

Kuja and Zidane just stood there, openmouthed and wordless.

Mikoto went on, "Normally, I believe that acting out on anger is a waste of time. But just this once, I think this is needed." She yanked on both of their tails, _hard._

Zidane and Kuja yowled in pain. Mikoto turned and left without another word.

"Told you," said Zidane.

"Just shut up."

"Um, Kuja?"

"What?"

"What does 'necromancy' and 'decomposition' mean?"


	9. Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law

_(Kuja: age 16; Zidane: age 14)_

"Please, Garland?"

"I don't know…"

"You promised."

"I know I did. But I'm beginning to regret it."

"Everything will be fine. So please?"

"There are over a thousand and one things that can happen while navigating on an airship. And in my experience, anything that _can _go wrong, _will_ go wrong."

"I'm old enough. And I'm smart enough to be careful. And you promised."

The Overseer of Terra sighed. "Alright."

Kuja began hopping up and down, but checked himself almost immediately. Such behavior was undignified, and worse—it was something Zidane would have done. But Kuja allowed himself to grin from ear to ear. "Thank you, Garland."

"Just make sure you bring the Invincible back in one piece."

*****************************************************************************

Kuja had been waiting for this forever. Garland had promised him years ago that once he turned sixteen, he would be permitted to pilot the airship Invincible. It took all of Kuja's willpower to not sprint to the dock.

"Hey, Kuja?" Kuja halted. Oh, great. Zidane.

"What do you want, moron?" asked Kuja.

"So did Garland say yes?"

"He did, actually. But why does that concern you?"

"Because I'm coming too."

"No, you're not."

"C'mon, Kuja!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"You suck. C'mon, please?"

"You know what, let me think about it. No."

"Why?"

"Because I hate you. Now go away."

"Fine," muttered Zidane as he shuffled away.

*****************************************************************************

The Invincible, being manufactured by ancient Terran technology, was much more advanced than any vessel on Gaia. Although rumor has it, Gaian technology was catching up, if you believed the stories that Cid Fabool of Lindblum was working on an airship powered by steam.

In any case, the Invincible was relatively easy to maneuver. In a manner of minutes, Kuja was sailing over Gaia's continents. It was incredible. Not to mention the fact that it was much more convenient than riding a dragon.

"I gotta admit, this is pretty sweet." Kuja nearly crashed the ship. Standing against the right wall was none other than Zidane.

"How the hell did you get here?" demanded Kuja.

"Easy. I snuck on board and squeezed myself into one of those locker compartments on the lower deck."

"With skills like those, you ought to employ yourself as a thief."

"You're hilarious, Kuja."

"Just go shut yourself back in that locker."

"I would… except it takes me a good fifteen minutes to get back out."

Kuja palmed himself in the forehead. "I hate you, I really do."

"Incoming!"

"What?"

A big dragon latched itself to the window. Kuja and Zidane screamed. A _pink _dragon? That was different. Kuja remembered. _It must be an ironite._ It began clawing at the Invincible. The Invincible didn't take much damage from it, but Kuja wasn't able see around it. He tried swerving, but that didn't work. Wasn't there a way he could get rid of it? He saw a button. Maybe that would work. He pressed it.

The next thing he knew, he was freefalling in the air, a shrieking Zidane not far above him. Wrong button. Terrific.

The ground broke their fall, but it was surprisingly softer than they'd expected. Very soft. And… squishy. Kuja pulled himself to his feet with an almighty squelch.

"Eugh! Mud! What on Terra…"

"We're on Gaia, actually," pointed out Zidane.

Kuja looked about. "It's a swamp. Great eidolons, we landed in the middle of a swamp!"

"I think it's a marsh, actually."

"Shut up! What's the difference?"

"You're supposed to be the smart one."

"Aargh! Swamp, marsh, whatever the hell it is, we're stuck in it! Where is the Invincible?"

"No idea…"

"This is all your fault."

"I'm not the one who was driving. Garland's gonna kill you."

"Just shut your face, Zidane. This damned mud!" he added as he freed his foot to keep it from sinking.

"Looks like there's some walkway planks up there."

"Why didn't you mention that earlier?"

"You were too busy yelling at me."

*****************************************************************************

"I'm telling you, I must have hit the eject button. When you hit the eject button, the Invincible will find a landing spot automatically."

"Okay, okay. So you told me already. But where is it?"

"You think if I knew that I'd still be wandering about here looking for it?"

"Just asking…" Zidane paused at a patch of tall grass. "I think there's something over there."

"Like I'm going in there."

Zidane shrugged and disappeared into the grass. Kuja waited for a few moments. If he was lucky, there might be something in there that would eat the moron. Five minutes later, there was a loud, very girly scream. That sounded promising.

Zidane emerged again. There was a huge, yellow frog on his head. He passed Kuja and kept running full speed. Kuja laughed his head off. Oh, this was priceless… A frog of the same hue hopped out of nowhere and landed on Kuja's shoulder. Kuja laughed even harder.

But there was a slight pounding sound coming from the direction Zidane was fleeing. Was his distress caused by something else?

Ten—what _were _those things?—ten creatures emerged from the grass. They were humanoid, wearing salmon and blue clothing, but by no means were they human. Resembling huge blobs, their skin was bluish white, their eyes star-shaped and red. But the worst was their enormous, lolling tongues.

Each of the things had a big fork in their hand, all them shouting, "FROG!"

Kuja turned tail fled, screaming at the top of his lungs with a girliness that rivaled his brother.

It was a good four hours before they lost the things (and, coincidentally, it was four hours before the frogs had decided to hop off the Genomes who had been kind enough to offer them lifts).

Panting, Zidane said, "You know what? You scream like a girl."

"_Me?_ I think _you_ do."

"Nah, you do."

"No, you do."

"No, you."

"No, you!"

"No… hey, there's the Invincible!"

Kuja could have cried with happiness. Not that he did. He cocked an eye at his brother. It'd be so easy to just leave him here… but Garland would kill him for it.

The two of them boarded the airship, and Kuja set it on a course to return to Terra.

*****************************************************************************

There was a Genome standing at the air dock when they arrived. That was odd—usually the soulless Genomes didn't come out here. But after disembarking, it became apparent that it was Mikoto. That was a rarity. Mikoto usually spent her time heaven-only-knows-where and out of sight.

"Garland's been looking for you," she stated. "Both of you."

"Great," muttered Kuja.

"Where have you been?"

"You wouldn't believe it if we told you," Kuja answered.

Zidane had a look of deep thought on his face. "Hey, Mikoto…"

"Yes?"

"Do you happen to know if there's difference between a swamp and a marsh?"


	10. The One We All Know and Love

The One We All Know and Love

_(Zidane: age 15; Kuja: age 17, Mikoto: age 12)_

"I thought this was a girls' game."

"If you're chicken, you can always walk away," said Blank.

Zidane crossed his arms. "I never said that."

"You sure?"

"Zidane Tribal never backs down from a challenge."

Blank grinned. "I think Cinna ought to go first."

Cinna made a show of thinking long and hard. "Zidane," he said. Should've seen that one coming. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Okay, here's what you have to do." He whispered into the Genome's ear. Zidane stared.

"Are you _serious?_"

"You chicken?" asked Marcus.

"You guys collaborated on this," accused Zidane. "That's not fair."

"Sounds like somebody's chicken," said Blank.

"Oh, I'll do it," said Zidane. "Zidane Tribal never backs down from a challenge."

*****************************************************************************

_The following morning_

Kuja was disgruntled as he marched down the hallways of the school. "Mikoto."

Mikoto turned. "What is it?"

"Have you seen Zidane?"

"You're looking for him? Usually you put as much distance between you as humanly possible."

"He grabbed my things by mistake. And I grabbed his." He gestured at a school bag in his hand. "Actually, I ought to set this on fire."

"Garland wouldn't be very happy about that, considering what happened the last time you set something on fire."

"You're such a killjoy, Mikoto."

"And no, I have not seen Zidane anywhere."

"**FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

There ran Zidane stark naked down the hall.

"That was something I never needed to see," commented Kuja.

A girl nearby turned to Kuja and asked him, "You're Kuja, aren't you? Wasn't that your brother who just ran by in the nude?"

"No."

*****************************************************************************

The final bell rang, and Kuja was disgruntled again. Zidane was nowhere to be found, _again._ The idea to simply leave him here became very, very tempting. He turned the corner, and there was his undesired quarry standing with folded arms against the wall.

"Oh, hey Kuja… um… listen, could you do me a favor?"

"No."

"Um… I kinda got detention. For like two hours. Could you pick me up then?"

"You are an insufferable moron."

"Can I take that as a yes?"

"If you have detention, why aren't you there now?"

"Somebody's talking to the principal. I'm not supposed to go in till they come out."

Just then the door handle turned. The one coming out was none other than the same girl who had spoken to Kuja that morning.

"S'cuse me, miss," said Zidane, straightening up. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

She ran a finger through her hair and looked him over. "I don't think so."

"Ah, of course. I wouldn't have let someone as lovely as you get away."

"I'm flattered you think so. Not that I could really say the same about you."

"Oh, but…"

"You're late for detention, by the way." She walked away.

"And the score is—Girl Number 37: five thousand; Zidane: zero," said Kuja.

"Thirty-seven? You're keeping count? And it's that high already?"

"Yes, sir."

"Darn it."

"Well, I shall see you later, dear brother."

"Wait, Kuja… what about my ride? Kuja! Hey! Come back! Kuja!"

*****************************************************************************

Two hours later, Zidane stood outside the building, at a total loss. The Invincible was nowhere in sight. He sat on a bench. Now what?

"Zidane."

He couldn't hold back a scream. He spun toward the speaker. "Mikoto? Eidolons, DON'T DO THAT! You nearly gave me a heart attack. And what are you doing here?"

"Kuja said he was intending on 'forgetting' you. I came here with Fluffy to bring you back."

"You are a lifesaver, 'Koto."

"Do not call me that. It's Mikoto."

"Fine, fine. Come on, then, let's go."

They started walking because, of course, Fluffy still wasn't allowed on school property.

"I must agree with Kuja on one point, however," said Mikoto after a while. "That stunt you pulled this morning… well, it would probably be to the benefit of most eyes if it were to never happen again."

"Aw, don't be a killjoy, Mikoto."

"Funnily enough, Kuja told me the same thing today."

"Oh, really?"

"He was considering burning the contents of your school bag."

"What? Oh, I am so going to kill him."

"I think you ought to think about yourself first. Garland isn't going to be very happy when he finds out about this whole situation."

"Oh, CRAP!" He hadn't thought about that.

*****************************************************************************

"She was intimidated. She was so intimidated. That's the reason she turned me down."

"Zidane, a few things I'd like to point out. One, I don't care. Two, I don't care. Three, I don't care. Four, that girl was in _my _class. She was way too old for you. She was definitely _not _intimidated by you in the slightest. Now shut up."

"You're just jealous."

"Zidane, I'm warning you, being upside down and having the blood rush to my head makes me _very_ irritable. So. Shut. Up."

"Garland wouldn't have used Psychokinesis on you if you would have COME BACK FOR ME!"

"I SAID SHUT UP! YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!"

There was sweet, blessed silence. Then, "She was definitely intimidated."


	11. Literature

Literature

_(Zidane: age 16; Kuja: age 18)_

He had gotten turned around. Again. This place was as bad as Pandemonium. No, take that back. It wasn't dark and dreary in any way. But still…

The first time he had entered the library, he hadn't been looking for a book; he had been trying to keep a low profile. That had been several years ago, though—Zidane couldn't remember what he had done that day to earn the wrath of the faculty.

But today, he _was _looking for a book; the problem was, he was completely lost. He hazarded a left and kept walking. Maybe over there?

But then his thoughts were interrupted as he collided bodily with… a body. Zidane fell backwards, as did the other person. A handful of books came out of their hands.

"I'm so sorry," said Zidane, picking up the books, "That was my fault."

"It's alright." Zidane couldn't help staring for a moment. The speaker was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Coming back to his senses, he stood to help her up.

"Here's your books," he said. "And I apologize."

"Really, it's alright. I should have been paying attention."

"Same here."

"Is there something you're looking for?"

"What, do you work here?"

"No… but I've been here enough times to know my way around."

"Well, as a matter of fact… well, that is…" said Zidane somewhat embarrassed.

"If you can't tell me, I won't be able to help you."

"Well… I'm looking for some of Lord Avon's works, actually."

"No, seriously, what are you looking for?"

"I was being serious. I know, unexpected, right? I'm just an oddball, I guess."

"Well, all the works of fiction are in alphabetical order… so Avon would be that way… but…" She flushed.

"What is it?"

"They've already been checked out."

"Every one of them?" He watched her face get even redder. "You? You checked them _all_ out?"

"I couldn't decide which one to take."

"Big fan, huh?"

"Well, yes. If you need—"

"Same here."

"Really?" She sounded skeptical.

"You don't believe me. But I'm serious."

"Then which is your favorite?"

"Testing me, huh? Without question I'd have to say _I Want to Be Your Canary._ It was pretty much the book that got me into reading. Not that I'm a complete bookworm… but I don't hate reading. Just has to be interesting, you know?"

"That's a strange coincidence. That's my favorite as well… and it was the book that got me into reading as well."

"Really? Imagine that."

There was a pause. "If you need the books I can—"

"No, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal."

"If you don't mind me asking, what's your name?"

"Zidane. Zidane Tribal."

"Zidane Tribal… why does that name sound so familiar?" Her gaze fell to his tail. "Oh!" For some reason she blushed again.

"Yes?"

"It's nothing. Zidane Tribal… aren't you the one who fainted in class a few years ago when we were discussing reproduction?"

"Um… I don't recall… am I?"

"I distinctly remember that he had a tail…"

Zidane turned to his tail. "Tail, thou hast betrayed me again!"

The girl giggled. "You're a lot different than most guys I've met."

"How so?"

"Most guys act like self-absorbed jerks. You're just… different."

"Pleased to hear it. Some girls find my individuality a little… shall we say eccentric?"

"Eccentric? How eccentric?"

"Like accidentally blowing up the pot of chili in the cafeteria eccentric."

"That was you?"

"Um… yeah." Shouldn't have said that.

"So you must be the one my friend Ruby went out with."

Definitely shouldn't have said that. "Ruby… yeah. So you know her. She kinda… couldn't take my 'antics,' as she called them."

"You don't seem as bad as she made you out to be. That is, we've been standing here for a good five minutes, and nothing disastrous has happened yet."

"Can't deny that."

She didn't seem to know what else to say.

"Hang on," said Zidane. "I don't think you've told me your name yet."

She looked embarrassed again. "It's Garnet."

"That's a pretty name." But why did it sound familiar?

"Yeah… I get told that a lot. But I wonder sometimes if people really mean it, since I'm the princess and all…"

_Now I feel like a retard. She's the princess. Of course she's the princess. And now I'm standing here with my mouth wider than a damn frog's. _"Um… wow. With all due respect, Your Highness—"

"Please, don't call me that. It really gets old."

"I just feel really dumb for not realizing it."

"Then I shouldn't have said that."

"No titles. No preferential treatment. Shouldn't be too tough to remember."

"Thanks."

She was very pretty. Especially when she smiled.

"Oh, Garnet?"

"Yes?"

"In defense of the fainting thing, it's done very differently where I come from."

"And what kind of world would that be?"

"Terra, actually."

Garnet was dumbfounded. "Are you telling me that that rumor is true? You really come from another world?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You're pulling my leg."

"Nope."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You have to tell me about it sometime, then."

"It's pretty boring, actually."

"You're not getting off that easily."

"Well…" They both jumped as a bell rang, signaling the end of the period.

"I've got to go," said Garnet.

Zidane called after her, "Hey!" She turned. "You want to… you know, hang out sometime, Garnet."

"Sure," she replied. Then she called out as he began to walk. "My friends call me Dagger."

*****************************************************************************

Life with siblings always goes as follows: the younger siblings get hand-me-downs. But Zidane really didn't consider Fluffy a hand-me-down; to do so would be just plain mean. It might have been a bit degrading, considering that Kuja always had the Invincible, but hey, it wasn't that bad. After that one particular detention, Zidane was continually paranoid that Kuja would leave without him again—though not without reason. So Zidane rode Fluffy to school everyday.

After making sure Fluffy was securely in his pen (He got a special one to himself), Zidane walked down the halls of Castle Pandemonium, taking care to not get lost.

"Ah, Zidane." Kuja was talking to him? That was new.

"What's up, Kuja?"

"There's something I'd like to ask you, dear brother." Dear brother? That couldn't mean anything good.

"Yeah?" asked Zidane, suspicious.

"I saw something that piqued my interest in the library today. Even though said something was totally predictable. You talking to a girl."

"And why did it pique your interest"

"You see, I was seated too far away to hear anything."

"What, do you spy on my conversations?"

"That is for me to know and for you to agonize over."

"Great."

"So I simply wish to know what the outcome was; did she say yes or no?"

"What does it matter to you?"

"So that I know which list to add to."

"List?"

"I keep two mental lists. List A is for you, and List B is for any female who happens to ask me about you."

"I don't follow you."

"List A is a list of all the girls who have turned you down, which currently comes to a total of fifty-eight."

"Wow. That's depressing."

"List B is a list of all the girls you _have _gone out with, which currently comes to a total of 32."

"Really? Dang."

"Which shows to those of the opposite sex that you go through relationships fast."

"Wait… you tell other girls how many—you sadistic little…"

"It would be most wise if you didn't finish that sentence. Now, out of curiosity… what did that girl in the library say?"

"I didn't really ask her out. We're just friends at the moment."

"At the moment? So you _eventually_ mean to ask her out."

"You're the last person on either world I would ever answer that question to, Kuja."

"I suppose that's understandable. I'll just leave this one as a toss-up for now."

"Whatever."


	12. Irony

Irony

_(Zidane: age 16; Kuja: age 18; Mikoto: age 13)_

"Hey, Kuja."

"The answer is no."

"How did you know what I was going to ask?"

"I didn't."

"Just hear me out, Kuj. Please?"

"…Very well."

"Can I borrow the Invincible for tonight?"

"No."

"Come on, please?"

"No."

"It's not like you're using it."

"Au contraire, little brother."

"Where the hell are you going?"

"Not your business."

"Come on, Kuja."

"You already said that."

"I've got a hot date tonight!"

"The stripper chick?"

"_No._"

"The blonde?"

"No."

"The Burmecian exchange student?"

"Hell no! She'd kick my ass if I ever asked her out."

"The girl from cooking class?"

"No."

"That redhead?"

"Lani? Are you serious? That chick is a psychopath! But come to think of it, she'd be a good match for you…"

"No comment. The girl with green hair?"

"We broke up ages ago. So no."

"Oh, is it the one you met in the library?"

"Yeah."

Kuja nodded. "Yes, I agree: definitely a hot date."

"So you'll let me borrow the airship?"

"No."

"Kuja!"

"Goodbye."

*****************************************************************************

Zidane had to admit this was a little embarrassing. He knew he shouldn't have bragged so much to Dagger about the Invincible. He knew something like this was going to happen. So he was taking his date for a ride on a dragon named Fluffy.

Dagger was understandably staring as he landed and dismounted. Okay, so this was _really_ embarrassing. He felt his face burn hotter than he thought possible.

"Hey, Dagger. Um, slight change of plans. My brother took the airship for himself tonight, so we're kinda stuck with this guy instead. If, you know, you don't mind…"

"It's alright with me," said Dagger, but Zidane could tell she was slightly nervous. "Er, he's… relatively safe, right?"

"Oh, yeah. He's like an oversized puppy, really."

Dagger took a step nearer. Fluffy started sniffing, and before Zidane could stop anything, the silver dragon started licking Dagger, who yelped in surprise.

"BAD FLUFFY! NO! STOP IT!" Zidane shouted. Fluffy pulled away reluctantly. "I'm so sorry about that," Zidane said to Dagger.

Despite the amount of slobber, Dagger couldn't help but grin. "Fluffy?"

"Yeah… my brother was the one who named him. And he was four or five at the time, so… you know. It's not like he'll answer to anything else." He added, "He seems to like you a lot. He doesn't usually do that to people."

"I feel so flattered."

"Well… shall we?" He offered his arm. "Unless you'd rather not—I'd understand if you didn't."

"As long as Fluffy likes me, I don't think there's anything I have to worry about." She took the proffered arm.

"You smell nice, by the way… some kind of fruit, if I'm not mistaken… Oh. That's probably why Fluffy likes you so much."

"Because I smell like fruit? What, does he like fruit?"

"I imagine he does—he likes vegetables, too. Especially lima beans. But for the sake of all humanity, never, ever, ever give him any."

"Why?"

"Fruit and vegetables give silver dragons gas. Reaaaaaaally bad gas. As in gas with a stench worthy of the ninth circle of hell bad. Seriously."

Zidane could see that Dagger was debating on whether or not to laugh.

"You're laughing now, but just you wait. Gaia or Terra, it doesn't matter; silver dragon gas is the worst smell on either world."

"I'll take your word for it. How do you get on?"

"Here, I'll give you a boost." With a heave, Zidane was able to get her up.

Dagger looked down at him. "Just for the record, Zidane, I _can _use summon magic… so if you touch my butt like that again, I won't hesitate to use it. Don't pretend it was an accident, either. I know you too well."

"But it _was _an accident, I swear!"

"_Right_."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted—at least for now."

"It won't happen again, I promise. With a light spring Zidane hopped up behind Dagger. "So where does my lady wish to go?"

"Anywhere, as long as it's away from here."

"As you command, my lady."

"Oh, stop that."

With that Zidane had Fluffy take off. _You know what? _Zidane thought to himself as they glided through the night under a sky full of stars, _this is way better than the Invincible anyway. This is great._ Kuja's plan had backfired. Zidane would have to thank him later.

But just then something flew up in front of them. It was a bat—a huge one. It seemed to sense that it wasn't in a very safe place, so it quickly dove away. But Fluffy got excited and started to follow it, diving sharply and leaving his passengers screaming and holding on for dear life.

"FLUFFY, STOP! STOP! STOP!" But Fluffy wasn't listening.

They followed the bat around for half an hour. Which wasn't fun at all, because they were zooming at top speed. Up, down, left, right, left, down, right, right, right, left, up, up, down, left, dodge that tree, up, up, up, up, up…

"OH SHIT! A CLOUD!" And so they passed through a cloud, drenching them to the skin.

Fluffy did a nose dive, pulling off at the very last second. By that time, the bat was gone.

Zidane knew when to admit defeat. Finally regaining control, he had Fluffy return to Alexandria. He didn't like that crunching sound that emitted when they landed; it sounded like the silver dragon had sat on a large shrub. But even so, Zidane had to see this through to the end. He dismounted first and helped Dagger down.

"Look, I'm really sorry about all that," said Zidane awkwardly. Talk about the ideal moment to be swallowed up by the ground. "So I guess I'll… see you around sometime, maybe."

Dagger blinked. "You're not going to ask me out again?"

"Wha?"

"I just assumed from your tone…"

"You mean," he struggled to get his head around the fact that he wasn't getting the shaft, "you… you had a good time?"

"Of course. Maybe it wasn't something I'd like to do every time, but it was fun and out of the ordinary."

"Wow… really?"

"Really. So does that mean we'll see each other again?"

"I should hope so. Though maybe not so much… adventure… next time."

"Sounds alright to me."

"Not that I can make any promises, though."

Dagger laughed. A moment passed. They drew closer. And closer. All Zidane could see was her face. And then…

"PRINCESS!"

They jerked away with the speed of lightning as a _clank clank clank _was heard. "I'd probably better go," said Zidane. "I'll see you real soon."

Dagger waved as he got back on Fluffy and flew away.

Fluffy. It was all she could do not to laugh again.

"Princess? Why are you wet?"

*****************************************************************************

"Ah, Kuja. The man of the hour. How has your night been?"

"Why are you so cheerful, Zidane?"

"Because I want you to know that your plan backfired. The dragon ride was a hit with Dagger."

Kuja looked puzzled. "Really? Odd…"

"Why is it odd?"

"Why is what odd?" The two of them jumped.

"Mikoto!" they shouted simultaneously.

"What?"

"Stop doing that!" cried Zidane.

"I still don't know what I'm supposedly doing. Oh, by the way, Kuja, I wish to ask you a question."

"…Very well."

"Was it you who left a large barrel of beans in Fluffy's kennel? Because you know it's not good for him. Just so you know, I removed it before he could eat any."

It was hard to say whose face was redder.


	13. It Hurts

O_O

I'm still trying to figure out what I was on when I wrote this. Oh, wait, I don't do drugs... I can't blame caffeine, either, because we ran out. I did take some ibuprofen though... SO I SHALL BLAME IT ON IBUPROFEN! On a completely different note, I deeply appreciate all the reviews- never thought I'd see that many when I started this. I do this all on a whim, so I have no idea who all will make an appearance or where this will end up. But again, thank you :)  
As a final note, this is probably the weirdest chapter I've ever written. And a heads-up: Someone says a very bad word. Aside from that, feel free to pretend that the song 'I'm Too Sexy' is playing in the background. Or not...

It Hurts

_(Zidane: age 16; Kuja: age 18; Mikoto: age 13)_

"You know, Zidane, there is one thing I must confess."

"And just what is that?"

"I am at a total loss at how you are able to brainwash all these girls so that they go out with you."

"Like I'd ever need to resort to brainwashing."

"Oh, I see. They're just damaged in the head."

Something told Kuja that Zidane didn't hear his last comment. "I'm just like a powerful chick magnet, you know? They just can't stay away."

"Right."

"I sense disbelief, Kuj. It's true. No woman alive can resist my sexiness."

"I am going to go barf now. You? Sexy? I think you have a different definition of sexy than the rest of us."

"And you would know?"

"As a matter of fact, dear brother, yes, I would. My own sexiness far surpasses yours."

"You?" Zidane snorted. "Not in a million years."

"Au contraire, little brother. Women are intimidated by my presence. Yours, on the other hand, invites words such as _clown, idiot, _and _moron._"

"Intimidated? People aren't intimidated by your sexiness—they're intimidated because you're a psychopath who sets peoples' pants on fire. And that brings up another point—you're a mage. And er, no offense, Kuj, but mages kinda lack the… muscularity involved with sexiness."

"And you don't?"

For answer, Zidane ripped his shirt off.

"…Not seeing it," commented Kuja.

"I don't see you taking yours off. Who's intimidated now, huh?"

Kuja took his time unbuttoning every last button before casting his own shirt aside.

"Okay, Kuj, I'll admit it's more than I expected—but it's still not exactly up there."

"You're lying through your teeth."

"I most certainly am not."

"Are you so sure about that, little brother? I think you might be jealous."

"Don't mess with me Kuj, or I'll step it up a notch."

"Oh, really?"

His pants were too hard to rip—not that he wanted to rip them this time, anyway. So with a bit of an effort he pulled them off.

"Mighty Terra, no one wants to see _that._"

"I think you're turning green, Kuja. Green with envy."

"I'll give you envious." Kuja followed suit and dropped his own.

"I'm not seeing it."

"Somebody's intimidated."

"Uh, no. Not really. I think you are."

"No girl on the face of either planet wants to see _that_—unless she's suffered from head trauma. Especially with that ridiculous haircut, I might add."

"You did not just diss my hair. You have no room to talk. At least ten people have asked me if I have two sisters, Mr. Girly-Locks. And that says nothing about the rumors floating around that you're gay—AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Zidane was interrupted as Kuja sent a Thunder spell up his underwear. "Is that so?" asked Kuja calmly as Zidane hopped around the room, trying to get the pain to ebb away. "And how many of those rumors were originated by you, dear brother?"

"OWWWWWWWWWW! Damn! That hurts! What the hell! That's not fair! Ouch!"

"I'm waiting."

"Okay, a third of them came from me. And I solemnly swear I won't do it again. Damn!"

"Apology accepted, I suppose."

"You are evil," said Zidane, finally recovering.

"And sexy."

"No."

"I'm afraid the answer is yes."

"I'm afraid the answer is 'Zidane is the hot one; I wish I were half as sexy as him.'"

There was a long staring contest. The next action was simultaneous.

They both pulled their underpants off.

"Well?" they asked one another.

"I gotta say no," said Zidane.

"I already knew the answer was no," Kuja shot back.

"Well, how the hell are we supposed to settle this? There has to be a loser and there has to be a victor. So who's who?"

"If you can't admit defeat…"

"If _you_ can't admit defeat…"

"…then we need an impartial judge to decide."

"Where are we gonna find an impartial judge?"

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THRICE-ACCURSED FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?" The shriek was beyond deafening. There in the doorway stood Mikoto.

"Mikoto?"

"Shit! Mikoto, what the hell are you doing?"

"What the hell am doing? WHAT THE HELL ARE _YOU _DOING? EIDOLONS! I THINK I'VE GONE PERPETUALLY BLIND!"

There was a flurry as three Genomes high-tailed it in three different directions, two of them pausing long enough only to recover their clothes.

*****************************************************************************

Garland, Overseer of Terra, paused. He heard a sound he had never heard before. And between Kuja and Zidane, he had been certain he had heard it all. It almost sounded like shouting, but it was much too high. Hmm.

He heard it again. He probably ought to investigate. He decided that if he heard it again, he would. If not, he'd just ask Mikoto about it. Wait a moment… no, surely it couldn't have been her. The sound didn't return. The Overseer continued with his work.


	14. Support

Support

_(Zidane: age 18; Mikoto: age 15; Kuja: age 20)_

There was a knock on the door. Zidane rolled his eyes—he was heartily sick of this routine.

"Kuja, for the last freaking time, I didn't steal any of your clothes! I don't know where the hell they are!"

"Zidane? Might I have a word with you?"

Zidane paused, then opened his bedroom door. It wasn't Kuja. It was Mikoto. "Mikoto? What's up?" This was really unusual. Mikoto never went anywhere near the vicinity of his bedroom—now that he thought about it, he was amazed that she even knew where it was… He didn't know where hers was.

Mikoto asked, "Would it be alright if I came in?"

"Of course it would. Come on in."

She did so, shutting the door behind her. This was really, really unusual. "Is everything alright?" he asked her.

"Well…" she began hesitantly. _Hesitantly?_ Since when was Mikoto hesitant about anything? "I'm not sure… how to say it."

"Say what?"

"Um… well…"

"Wait a minute… that jacket you're wearing… doesn't that belong to Kuja?"

"Perhaps."

"_You're_ the one stealing his clothes? Do you have any idea how much nagging and abuse I've had to endure from down the hall? Kuja never leaves me alone! Good grief! And all this time it's been you…"

"I apologize for that."

Zidane shook his head. "Don't worry about it. You wanted my help; I shouldn't have ranted like that."

"Kuja can afford the loss of a couple of jackets. He'll live."

Zidane couldn't help but laugh a little. When he was done, he said, "It's not like you, though, Mikoto."

"Well…" The hesitancy returned. "There is a reason why I had to take a few things from Kuja's wardrobe. And that reason is related to why I've come to see you… and…" She wasn't sure where to look.

Zidane took her hand. She simply stared at it, nonplussed. "Mikoto, I'm your brother. You can tell me anything. Just tell me."

"I hadn't wished to come to you, but…" She shrugged. "Well, as can be imagined, Castle Pandemonium does not offer much selection, and I believe you would be the best one. And not just because Kuja would be furious the moment he saw the jacket."

"You're beating around the bush."

"I apologize for the circumvention… it's just… difficult."

"You're one of the bluntest, most brutally honest person I know. I never thought I'd see the day where you'd not know how to say something."

"Perhaps it'd be easier to show you," she said slowly. Zidane was slightly flummoxed as she began undoing all the buttons on Kuja's jacket. Then slowly she pulled it off. She had been wearing one of her own shirts under the jacket, although it was a bit short. The reason for the inadequate length became blaringly apparent: Zidane felt like he'd just been broadsided by a Zaghnol. His mouth hung wider than a goldfish's.

His very, very first thought was, _FortheloveofTerraboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobs…_

And the second one was, _Great eidolons, my sister isn't supposed to have those!_

What he finally said aloud was, "What the hell?"

"I would think that you of all people would have a decent understanding of the female anatomy," said Mikoto, slightly amused in spite of herself.

"Well, yeah… I mean not _that _well of an understanding. But that is to say… look, I understand what… those are. When I said what the hell I meant, well… _What the hell_"

"I'm afraid I do not understand you."

"Well, for starters, you're my sister."

"And as such, I am also a female. Like or not," she frowned to herself, "It is an inevitable part of the physical maturing process of the female body, dictated by nature. As such, I do not get exempted from simply by being your sister."

"Yeah, yeah. It's just… weird and not right. But… why have I never noticed this before? I mean… it's sorta… kinda… hard to miss."

"I've been able to conceal them for the past two years."

"Conceal? Why?"

"I… have only recently come to terms with the fact that it is inevitable."

"What, you've been trying to fight puberty? Hate to tell you, sis, but no matter how tough you are, it's a losing battle."

She made a gesture. "I have found that out for myself. They got too… that is, I can't hide them anymore, except by wearing an overlarge jacket. I have come to terms with it, yes, but… I have no… means to undergird myself."

"Wait, what does 'undergird' mean?"

"To… provide support or a firm basis for."

"It does? Support? I… ohhh." A little switch finally went on in his brain. He could have palmed himself in the head. Female undergarments.

"Yes, well… with such… such lack of means, I need to make a trip to Gaia. And…" She _still _couldn't spit it out.

Zidane wasn't completely sure of what she was driving at. "And?"

"And… well… I could take Fluffy, of course. I would have no problem with it. But… I have to admit," she looked embarrassed, "I… I am… I'm afraid to go alone."

Another switch went on. "You're asking me to go with you?"

She flushed. "Seeing as circumstances are far from ideal, you were my best choice to ask. If you wish to refuse…"

"Don't be stupid," said Zidane, knowing full well that the awkwardness level would shoot through the roof, "Of course I'll go. If we can make it at a run, we ought to be able to get to the Invincible before Kuja notices."

"Really?"

"I'm being dead serious—run now, talk later."

*****************************************************************************

Zidane reflected long and hard, coming to the conclusion that this was one of the highest marks of courage that mankind could conceive. Oh yes, there were plenty of heroes out there slaying dragons and such, but it was very doubtful that any of them had to enter a women's clothing store.

He was very, very highly conscious of the fact that he was the only male in the whole shop. Maybe it was his imagination being overactive, but he could have sworn that the other patrons would give him funny looks before turning away and ignoring him. His entire being screamed at him to get out of here, but for Mikoto's sake he persevered. Not that he could see how much help he would be; he was, obviously, woefully ignorant in such an area.

"Zidane?" The Genome froze in his tracks. That voice…

"Dagger?"

Her face was incredulous. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you being so accusatory for?"

"This is a _women's_ shop, Zidane. What, are you spying on the fitting rooms?"

"What? The thought never crossed my mind… until you mentioned it… kidding! Kidding!" he insisted as she glared at him. "You know I haven't done that kind of stuff since I met you, Dag."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I'm here with my sister. I don't know if you two have ever met… This is Mikoto. Mikoto, this is my girlfriend Dagger."

"Hello," said Dagger, extending her hand. Mikoto nodded once, then slowly took it.

Another switch went on in Zidane's head. "Hey, Dagger… If you're not too busy at the moment, we'd both appreciate your help."

"What's up?"

"Well… Mikoto could use some female advice, because, quite frankly, I have no clue about… well…" He mimed putting on a brassiere.

Dagger's face softened in understanding. "I'd be more than willing to help, that is, if Mikoto wants me to."

Mikoto stammered, "W-Well… I… I would appreciate that. Thank you."

Garnet smiled. "It's settled, then. Zidane, you can go wait outside."

"Outside? What am I, an animal?"

"I don't trust you in here at all. Now scoot."

"Sheesh, Dagger, you know I'd—"

"I said scoot!"

"Yes ma'am."

*****************************************************************************

There was a lot of silence on the journey home.

"We've been gone for quite a while," remarked Mikoto just as they reentered Terra. "We might get in trouble."

"You, get in trouble? Not in a million years. Me, maybe, but not you."

"Kuja will no doubt be furious."

"Hey, he can deal with it." They pulled in to the airship dock.

"Zidane, I wish to thank you."

"I didn't even really do anything. Thank the eidolons that Dagger was there."

"Yes, the results might have been a bit… disastrous if it hadn't been for her. But even so, you were willing to do it."

"Hey, what else are big brothers for?"

Mikoto stuck her tongue partially out and appeared to be thinking. Then she walked up and threw her arms around him in a tight hug. "Thank you."

There was a stomping outside the cabin door, and in strode Kuja. "Where the hell have you been?"

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you," said Zidane.

"Hmph. I'm surprised you went with him, Mikoto. It's not… _is that my jacket?"_

"What? Oh, right." She took it off, tossed it to Kuja, and left.

Kuja stared after her with a frown on his face. "Is it just me, or… Surely not… there's something different about her…"

"Yup."

"I just can't put my finger on it."

"Like there's more to her?"

"Maybe, but… wait… did you just say—"

"Yup."

"—Then that means…"

"Uh huh."

"I really saw what I thought I saw."

"Yup."

There was five seconds of silence. "_WHAT THE HELL?"_


	15. Rules of the Game

Rules of the Game

_(Zidane: age 18; Kuja: age 20; Mikoto: age 15)_

The knight galloped on, intent on his goal. He was close—so close. But then he heard a rustle. The last thing he ever saw was—

"A pawn? cried Kuja incredulously. "Where did that come from? That wasn't there ten seconds ago! You're cheating!"

Mikoto gazed at her brother. "For your information, Kuja, it was there the whole time. I am not cheating."

"Grr…"

"And it is your move."

"This is ridiculous." He made his move.

"It was you who insisted on playing."

"Hey guys. What's up?" Zidane took a seat between the two.

Kuja rolled his eyes. "Nothing that you would comprehend, dear Zidane, now go away."

"You winning, Kuj? You've got more pieces."

"Damn it, Zidane, go away. It doesn't matter how many pieces you lose in a chess game!"

"Ah, so you're losing."

"I never said that!"

"Your move, Kuja," said Mikoto.

"I'd move that guy if I were you," said Zidane, pointing to one of Kuja's bishops.

"I don't need your help, Zidane—now if you must stay, shut up!" He moved his rook.

Mikoto captured the bishop Zidane had told Kuja to move. "Damn it!" swore Kuja.

"I told ya, Kuj."

"JUST SHUT UP!"

For once, Zidane obliged. The game went on for five minutes.

Then, "I don't get why they call it a rook. What the heck _is_ a rook?"

Kuja made a face that clearly said _I-am-going-to-strangle-you_.

"A rook is a crow with black plumage and a bare face," said Mikoto.

"So it's a bird? That thing looks nothing like a bird."

"Sometimes the rook in chess is referred to as a castle."

"But see, that makes even less sense! A castle can't move around! Where do people come up with this stuff?"

"If you can't keep your moronic opinions to yourself, I am going to stick your tail up your ass," said Kuja.

"Sheesh, take it easy, Kuj." But all the same, Zidane shifted ever so slightly to his left—closer to Mikoto and farther away from Kuja.

"If we have come to an understanding," said Kuja, "Then… check."

"Wait, that doesn't mean you win, does it?" interrupted Zidane. "I thought…"

"Zidane! Shut it!"

Mikoto took Kuja's queen with her knight. Kuja swore.

"Oh, yeah, now I remember. Check means close but no cigar. Check_mate_ is when you win."

"Thank you for pointing out what everyone else already knew, dear brother," spat Kuja.

"No prob."

"Your move, Kuja," said Mikoto before the eldest Genome could retaliate.

Kuja took a deep breath and exhaled. He thought for a moment, then made his next move.

"Another thing I don't get: Why are knights allowed to jump over other pieces, but no one else is?"

"Why are idiots so much more fun to Thundara into orbit than other people?" replied Kuja. Zidane fell silent.

Pleased, Kuja captured Mikoto's queen. He smiled broadly at her. She remained impassive.

"_And_ I don't get why the queen gets such ridiculously good moves. I mean, she can pretty much do whatever she wants. Is she really that much of a badass?"

"Yes, she is," answered Mikoto unexpectedly. She moved her pawn where Kuja's knight had stood at the beginning of the game. "Checkmate."

Kuja just goggled at her. She grinned—something that was getting to be more common than it used to be, but it was still disconcerting.

"Tough luck, Kuja," said Zidane.

You could literally hear the strings inside Kuja's head snap. "YOU MISERABLE, PATHETIC, MORONIC EXCUSE FOR A LIFE FORM!"

Zidane was already running.

"COME BACK HERE, RAT!"

Judging by where the shouting was coming from, Kuja chased Zidane through two rooms before they climbed a flight of stairs, took a right, and went through two more rooms before Kuja finally caught Zidane. In other words, they were directly above the room they started in. Which meant Mikoto could hear every word.

"Geez, Kuja, it's not my fault you suck at chess—GREAT GAIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'M GIVING YOU WHAT YOU DESERVE, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!"

"THAT'S MY PERSONAL—AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ODIN! WHAT THE HELL?"

"STOP SCREAMING, GIRLY!"

"GARLAND! I'M BEING VIOLATED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

After this long and rather high-pitched outcry, there was a solemn moment of silence. Then Zidane spoke, sounding as if every word caused him pain to articulate. "If that's… how you… want it… then… let's… dance."

"Zidane, what do you think you're doing? Zidane? WHAT THE—"

Mikoto could hear a bodily thump.

"YOU'RE NOT LEAVING UNSCATHED THIS TIME, KUJA!"

"GET OFF! MIGHTY EIDOLONS, GET OFF! I'M WARNING YOU—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"WHO'S THE GIRLY-MAN NOW, KUJA?"

"BAHAMUT! THAT IS A VIOLATION OF NATURE! OWWWWW!"

"WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

None of that sounded good. Mikoto debated long and hard whether or not to go up there. She had an inkling that it wasn't going to be pretty. She sighed and made her way up.

*****************************************************************************

Garland, Overseer of Terra, groaned. He knew those voices perfectly well. Which meant something had happened. Again. As much as he would rather not, he teleported to the room that the sounds were coming from.

"What is… going… on…?"

In the middle of the room stood Kuja and Zidane. They both looked… constipated? Garland stared and stared, but he couldn't figure out what was amiss.

"Are you two alright?" came Mikoto's voice. "It sounded like—" Her mouth made an O.

And finally Garland realized what it was. The tails of both Zidane and Kuja were all but gone; they had been… forced up their anuses.

"What the hell has been going on here?" the Overseer demanded.

"It was Zidane's fault."

"Are you seriously trying to blame this on me? Sir, it was Kuja's fault."

"It most certainly was not!"

"It pretty much was."

"Was not!"

"Aren't you two a little old for this?" bellowed Garland. "Mikoto, what happened?"

"Kuja is a sore loser, sir. Especially at chess."

Garland was at a loss. "_Zidane_ beat Kuja at chess?"

"No, I did."

"Then how did Zidane get involved?"

"I don't know."

Kuja cried, "You little two-faced minx! You're siding with Zidane!"

"I do not know what you are talking about."

Kuja tried to lunge at her, but with his tail in the position that it was, he lost his balance and fell over.

"Mikoto," said Garland, "_are_ you covering for Zidane?"

"Yes."

"Then you aren't going to tell me what happened?"

"I wasn't here, sir."

Garland sighed as he extended his hand out. "Psychokinesis."

*****************************************************************************

"So this is what it's like to be stuck to the ceiling. I had often wondered."

"Don't rub it in, Mikoto," snapped Kuja.

"I did wonder, though. It happened to you two on such a regular basis that I wondered if you enjoyed it."

"Not as good as you imagined, huh?"

"I imagine it must be better than having my tail forced up my ass."

There were two simultaneous groans.


	16. I Can't Tell A Lie

It seems I still live... Apologies, things are going to slow way down, because my ideas are currently on low. But inspiration still hits now and then. If you have ideas for a story, by all means give them; it will help fuel said inspiration. In fact, I already got one. So... that's about it. Oh yes, and over 50 reviews... that's unbelievable. And as a bonus, they make me smile. Thank you *bows low, then falls* Ahem. Hope this is decent; I know it's one of my longer ones. So... away we go...

I Can't Tell A Lie

_(Zidane: age 18; Mikoto: age 15; Kuja: age 20)_

"Remind me again why we're doing this?"

"Garland told us to."

"Oh, thank you for clearing that up. Honestly, though, why the hell are we doing this?"

Zidane spoke up, "Garland said he can't take it anymore, whatever that means. And he pretty much threatened us all with a Meteor spell if we didn't… what was the phrase he used? 'Spend some quality bonding time together.'"

What transpired was this. Garland, Overseer of Terra, snapped because his unique Genome siblings fail to get along ninety-nine percent of the time. Garland had the three of them board the Invincible, and sent them off to Gaia.

"What the heck are we supposed to do?" asked Kuja sourly.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Kuj."

"You know what, I have an excellent idea. What if I stopped the ship right here and tossed you overboard?"

Zidane peered at the churning ocean below. "Somehow, I don't think that's what Garland was suggesting. And… ah… you know I can't swim."

"And is that why you threw him in a duck pond when he was ten years old?" asked Mikoto.

"Oh, shut up, Mikoto. Always taking Zidane's side…"

"Not always," she said quietly. But Kuja didn't hear.

"Pretty pathetic, really, relying on your little sister to get you out of your scrapes…"

"Shut up, Kuja," snapped Zidane.

"Did I touch a nerve? How thoughtless of me."

"Kuja…" said Mikoto.

"Mikoto, stay out of it. You've got an annoying habit of interrupting at the most inopportune moments."

"Kuja…"

"Mikoto, nobody needs your comments right now."

"Kuj—"

"Damn it, what did I just say?"

"KUJA! WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT A DAMN TREE!"

Kuja laughed. "That's a good one, sister. Must one hell of a tree, considering how high we are…"

_**CRUNCH!**_

They made impact with something very painfully solid. The forward motion caused Zidane to fall on his face, Mikoto to fall on Zidane, and Kuja's forehead, guided by some twisted, sadistic plot of fate, made contact with the eject button.

Three seconds later saw three Genomes freefalling through the air, two of them screaming like girls. And Mikoto wasn't screaming.

A decent fifteen seconds later saw them land.

"Talk about a rough landing," groaned Zidane as he picked himself up.

Kuja had had the misfortune of landing face-first. He spat out a mouthful of mossy earth. "Disgusting," he said when he finished.

"I've never seen terrain like this before," commented Zidane.

"Nor have I," added Kuja grudgingly. "But it almost looks like…" his eyes went upward, and disbelief prevented him from finishing the sentence.

"Roots?" prompted Mikoto.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Zidane.

Kuja looked at his brother with an almost constipated look on his face. "Don't say it…"

"That is one hell of a tree."

Kuja groaned.

"I tried to tell you," said Mikoto.

"Oh, be quiet, Mikoto—"

"As much as I hate to interrupt," inserted Zidane, "arguing was what got us here in the first place."

"Why does this always happen?" moaned Kuja. "Why, why, why?"

"When one fails to pay attention whilst piloting an airship—"

"I don't want to hear it, Mikoto…"

Zidane was staring at the tree again. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm supposed to know something important about this tree? Seems like Garland said something about it once."

"And you weren't paying attention," remarked Kuja sourly. "How fitting. Zidane Tribal's infinitesimal attention-span will be the doom of us all."

"Hey, I had more important matters on my mind!"

"Let me guess: Girls."

"…Um, probably. I don't even remember. Hang on, what does infinitesimal mean?"

"Kuja… Zidane…" began Mikoto. "Did either of you… notice anything?"

"Like what?" asked Zidane.

"Like a… sinking feeling." There was a definitive sound of something snapping. "Like a number of vines losing their tautness due to weight that surpasses its limit?"

"In other words," surmised Zidane, "The branches or roots or whatever are breaking because we're too heavy."

There was a final snap, immediately followed by three simultaneous screams of, "_Shit!"_

They were falling again. They landed in a heap—Kuja on the bottom, Zidane on top of him, Mikoto on them both.

"Eidolons, GET OFF OF ME!" bellowed Kuja, shoving them off.

"What is this place, do you wonder?" asked Zidane. "Hey, look! A treasure chest! Awesome!"

Kuja told him, "I'm telling you, Zidane, your talents are being wasted. You ought to be a thief."

"I'll keep that in mind, Kuj." With little effort Zidane hoisted the lid open, pulling out a leather pouch. "Feathers? Who'd put feathers in a chest?"

"Let me see," said Kuja, scrambling over. "Yes!" he said excitedly, "These aren't just any type of feathers—these are Phoenix Downs. They're supposed to heal you, bring you back to life."

"Bring you back to life?"

"Well, under certain circumstances. If you wait too long, it won't work."

"That's a drag."

"But since they're imbued with white magic, they also work as an instant killer for zombies."

"Just what is it with you and zombies, Kuj? You're not secretly one of those nut-jobs who think zombies are gonna take over the world someday, are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It's just a good idea to have these, just in case." Kuja entertained an amusing vision in his head of a zombie biting Zidane's head off.

"If you say so," said Zidane, stuffing four or five of them in his pocket. He tossed a few more at his sister, who deftly caught them. "Hey 'Koto, you want some Anti-Zombie Ammunition?"

"Call me 'Koto again, and I shall be forced to inflict excruciating pain upon your person."

"Give me that," snapped Kuja, seizing the pouch with the remaining Phoenix Downs. "Anti-Zombie Ammunition, indeed," he snorted. He put the pouch in his own pocket with a pat of reassurance.

"Yeah… well," said Zidane. "The question is, how the hell do we get out of here?"

"Let's try that way," said Mikoto, pointing to a cluster of roots.

"Wandering around some unknown landscape, searching for a missing airship. _This_ certainly doesn't feel like déjà vu," said Kuja sarcastically.

"What?" asked Mikoto.

"There are some things in this world that are too horrendous to recount," said Zidane solemnly.

"Okay…"

Something caught the corner of Kuja's eye. He stopped rather abruptly—not the best idea when two people are right behind you.

"Oof!"

"Ah!"

"Damn it!" swore Kuja, once again at the bottom of a human dogpile.

"Why'd you stop, Kuj?" demanded Zidane.

Kuja shook him off none too gently and turned his attention to the thing that had distracted him. Mikoto's and Zidane's eye's followed.

There seemed to be a stone circle in the middle of the ground. There were odd symbols traced along the circumference, but rain and wind had eroded them so that their meanings were unclear.

"What is that?" asked Mikoto.

"Dunno…" said Zidane. "Dare you to touch it."

"Just how vacuous do you think I am?"

"What the hell does vacuous mean?"

"It's what you are."

"What? What does that mean?"

Kuja traced a foot along the circle, but nothing happened. He risked stepping on it. "Nothing," he declared.

Mikoto went on next, taking a knee to examine the symbols. "These seem familiar, but they're too worn to make anything out."

Feeling a bit left out, Zidane hopped onto the stone as well. It lit up and shuddered slightly. "What the hell—" his sentence was cut short.

The next thing they knew, the stone dropped, and they were… flying through some subterranean abyss.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" screamed Kuja.

"ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Zidane bellowed back.

"YES YOU DID!"

"NO I DIDN'T"

"_SHUT UP!"_ yelled Mikoto.

What felt like horrendous hours (but was really no more than ten minutes) they came to the bottom.

"Not the type of thing you usually see under a tree," commented Zidane.

"Thank you for that deeply profound, thought provoking statement, Zidane," replied Kuja dryly.

"There's so much vitality down here, can't you feel it?" said Mikoto.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that wall over there is… breathing," said Zidane, pointing to his right.

"That's… creepy," said Kuja.

"Don't tell me you're scared, Kuja?"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"Kuuuuuuuuuuuujaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… the zoooooooooooobieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees are cooooooooooooooming. Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Cut that out!"

Mikoto interrupted. "Do you two hear something?"

"No," said both brothers simultaneously.

"It sounds like… rumbling."

They were silent. Before long, they could indeed hear what Mikoto described. "The walls are moving faster," said Zidane.

There was a tremendous inhuman roar, and a horrifying creature emerged from nowhere.

_Who dares trespass here?_

"What the hell?" yelled Zidane.

"_ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!" _ screamed Kuja with a pitch that would have shattered glass.

Acting on instinct, Mikoto tossed a Phoenix Down at the being. It bellowed in rage before simply shriveling away.

"Booyah! Take that, you damned zombie monster! You just got OWNED!" yelled Kuja, who, much to the chagrin of his younger siblings, started dancing.

"Kuja… what the hell are you doing?"

Kuja halted mid-hop. "Nothing."

"Wait a minute…" began Zidane.

"What?" asked Kuja.

"I think… this place is the source of the Mist on the Mist Continent. Garland told me once."

"And?"

"And I think killing that monster makes the Mist stop."

Kuja's brain processed this information. "And the Mist…"

"…Is part of Garland's top-secret plan that he won't tell us about yet," finished Zidane.

Kuja wore that constipated look on his fate. "And you didn't remember this… until after we killed that thing?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Then we are…" Mikoto fished for the appropriate term, "screwed."

"Well, you're the one who technically killed it, 'Koto."

*****************************************************************************

Garland, Overseer of Terra, watched the Invincible return. Taking more time than he would have expected, his three special Genomes walked out to the bridge. Zidane was hobbling on one foot and sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"Excruciating pain was inflicted upon my person."

"What?"

"It's not important."

Raise two or three havoc-creating Genomes, and you're bound to develop senses that transcend the usual five. "I smell trouble. Trouble and guilt," said Garland. "Talk. Now."

"We can't lie, sir," said Zidane. "We… uh… messed up the Iifa Tree."

*****************************************************************************

"How long do you think we've been here?" asked Zidane.

"That's the eighteenth time you've asked," replied Kuja.

"Keeping count, are we?"

"Nothing else to do."

"I would hazard that we've been up here for at least eight hours," said Mikoto.

"Eight hours? Damn! We've never been up here this long!"

"Garland _was _pretty pissed off," reasoned Mikoto.

"Well," said Kuja, "if you hadn't killed the Soulcage…"

"If _you _hadn't screamed 'Zombie'…" retorted Mikoto.

"If Zidane hadn't jumped on that stupid stone…" spat Kuja.

"If Kuja would've paid attention and not hit that big-ass tree…" Zidane shot back.

"If Mikoto weren't such a—"

"Finish that sentence, Kuja, I dare you…"

Zidane groaned. "Can we please not go through this again? My butt itches, and your arguing makes it worse."

They stared.

"What? It does!"


	17. Lost

Wow, it has been a long time... I deeply apologize for that. As always, thanks so much for the reviews. And the ideas :)--my brain is attempting to ferment them into something decent. Being very fickle, my brain spawned this idea after I thought I ran out. Then it (my brain) decided to be slow. This chapter took forever, as you might have noticed... it is also the longest one I've written for this particular story. Once again, thanks so much: for the reviews, the ideas (I'll still accept more, if you happen to have them), and for putting up with this lack of updating.

Lost

_(Zidane: age 18; Mikoto: age 15; Kuja: age 20)_

"GET THE HELL OUT!"

"I'm telling you Kuja…"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! GET OUT!"

"I was just looking for my socks!"

"Why the hell would your socks be in _my _room?"

"You tell me. I saw one of them on your floor."

"You are a liar."

"I swear on my right buttock, Kuja."

"Um… what?"

Zidane Tribal pulled a grey striped sock from his pocket and dangled it in front of Kuja's face. "_This _was on your floor."

Kuja wrinkled his nose. "Somehow I doubt it. The color alone is downright repulsive."

"It is not!"

"Unfortunately, I beg to differ."

"If you think my socks are ugly, then why are you stealing them?"

"I'm not stealing them!"

"Then where the hell did all of my socks go?"

"So both of you _are _here," said a flat voice. The two brothers jumped out of their skins. "There was way too much noise for it to be just one of you."

"Mikoto!" they yelled at the same time.

"Stop doing that!" added Zidane.

"What are you doing here, Mikoto?" asked Kuja irritably.

"I was hoping to find one of you absent… because Fluffy is gone."

"Wait, what?" asked Zidane.

"His enclosure is empty; the door is wide open. He must have escaped somehow."

Zidane gaped. "Fluffy is _missing?_"

"Then why the hell are we still here?" demanded Kuja.

Zidane gave him a weird look. "You and I actually agree on something?"

Kuja frowned. "I guess so."

"Isn't that like, I don't know… a sign of the apocalypse or something?"

"Can't we discuss this aberration later?" queried Mikoto impatiently.

"Wait," said Zidane. "What does aberration mean?"

* * *

All three of the Genome siblings combed the entirety of Castle Pandemonium, to no avail.

"That damned dragon!" swore Kuja. "Of all the mischief he's ever gotten into, this tops it all."

Zidane said, "If he's not in the tower, he must be running amok out on Terra. Probably terrorizing the citizens of Bran Bal."

Kuja palmed himself in the face. "That sounds exactly like what he'd do… Garland will kill us."

"If we used the Invincible, it shouldn't be too difficult to find him," suggested Mikoto.

"Absolutely," said Kuja. "I'll do that; you two stay here."

"Hell no! I'm coming too!" said Zidane.

"Seconded," added Mikoto.

"We don't really have time to argue about this," insisted Kuja.

"Which means you should just yield to the fact that you're not the only one who cares. Argument or no argument, we're coming too," retorted Mikoto.

Zidane snickered quietly. "Kuja cares…"

"I… No I do not… I just… argh! Eidolons, I hate you." Kuja turned and walked away. After five steps he turned and spat, "Well? Are you coming?"

* * *

"You do remember what happened the last time we all got in this airship together, right?" asked Zidane.

"I don't think anyone could possibly forget," retorted Kuja in a strangled voice.

"Maybe I should pilot this time."

"I am perfectly competent, Zidane, thank you very much. And besides, we won't even be leaving Terra this time round." With that the Invincible lifted off. Kuja navigated it away from the dock and out into the open Terran air. "Alright, keep your eyes open."

"I never did like hide-and-seek," commented Zidane.

"Oh, shut up."

"Seriously, Kuj, you were no fun. I never got to be the seeker."

"Because you were an ignorant moron who couldn't count!"

"Kuja, you're flying too low!" yelled Mikoto. Sure enough, there was a slight thump as the Invincible knocked into a Terran tree.

"Nice one, Kuj, you took down a giant mushroom," said Zidane.

"It's not a mushroom, Zidane," said Mikoto.

"SHUT UP SO I CAN FLY THIS DAMNED THING!" bellowed Kuja.

"Wait!" exclaimed Mikoto, pointing. "There!"

So Fluffy _wasn't _terrorizing Bran Bal… that was a plus. He was just minding his own business among the vegetation. Getting farther and farther away.

"So, question," piped Zidane. "How are we going to get him back?"

"Well…" said Kuja. "Mikoto?"

"Are you insinuating that I have an idea?"

"You're the smart one!"

"_You_ are the eldest!"

Zidane interrupted, "Hey, guys… Maybe it's me, but whenever any of us start arguing, something bad ends up happening." He returned his gaze to the window and stared in disbelief. "Um. Shit. Speak of the devil."

"Now what?" asked Kuja.

Zidane gestured to the ethereal blue light that Fluffy was quickly approaching. "Isn't that the light that takes you to Gaia?" Kuja moaned. He attempted to speed up, but it was too late; Fluffy was enveloped in the light and consequently disappeared.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Kuja. "You have _got _to be kidding me." No, the silver dragon wasn't running amok in Bran Bal; he was running amok on Gaia. They had no choice but to follow.

"So much for not leaving Terra," remarked Zidane.

"Shut. Up."

"You sure you don't want me to pilot?"

"I'm the oldest, I pilot! End of discussion, shut your ugly face."

"Who are you calling ugly?"

"DAMN IT, ZIDANE!"

"Fluffy's getting away," said Mikoto before Kuja could launch himself at his brother. Muttering nonstop obscenities under his breath, Kuja turned the Invincible so sharply that its passengers (minus the pilot) fell over.

"Damn it, you did that on purpose," accused Zidane.

"And your point is?"

"Can we quit acting like idiotic cretins and focus on getting Fluffy back?" demanded Mikoto. "Or did you not notice that we lost him?"

* * *

Thirty minutes later, they were no closer to their goal. "I'm going to kill him," said Kuja. "I'm going to force a spike through his head and roast it on a spit."

"Kinda sounds counterproductive, if you ask me," said Zidane. "Forgive me if I don't hold you to your word on that, though… I recall you saying the exact same thing about me once."

"I'll have to add that to my list of things to do before I die."

"Hang on," said Zidane, unheeding Kuja's words, "Look! There he is!" He pointed to the right.

His siblings looked, and sure enough, there was Fluffy, gnawing on a dead root. Root…

"Wait a minute…" said Mikoto. "Are we… where I think we are?" A giant looming tree caught their eyes.

Zidane assented, "Yup. It's the big-ass tree again."

Kuja groaned. "As if we haven't already seen this place enough to last a lifetime."

"Better find a place to land, before your amazing navigation skills kick in and send us freefalling again," said Zidane.

"I shall do that that," said Kuja with forced calm. "And once this ship is on the ground, I shall kick your ass."

"I give up," muttered Mikoto to herself.

* * *

One landing and an attempted ass-kicking later (whereupon Kuja pursued his brother all over the Invincible until Mikoto yelled at them both), they gingerly stepped out, wary of the massive vines and roots all about.

"Right," said Zidane. "So, has anyone come up with a plan yet?"

"Why don't _you _come up with something yourself?" inquired Kuja. "Oh, wait…" He slapped himself in mock realization. "You're dunderhead, that's why."

"Someone is going to be severely maimed if the two of you can't cooperate," hissed Mikoto with a hint of menace.

"Here's an idea," said Zidane. "Why don't we just _call _him?"

"Odds are, considering that it's such a simple plan, something stupid will happen," said Kuja. "But I suppose it's worth a try. _FLUFFY!"_

"Damn it, Kuj, did you have to yell in my ear?"

"Yes."

Fluffy perked up at the call, and took to the air, making a beeline for the three of them. That is, until a bird fluttered by. Completely distracted, the silver dragon gave chase, away from the Iifa Tree.

"Did that seriously just happen?" asked Zidane, who like his brother and sister was utterly dumbfounded.

"That does it; that dragon is officially mentally obtuse," said Kuja.

"If that is all you have to contribute, Kuja," said Mikoto coolly, "then… shut up." She began walking away.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she called without looking back.

Kuja turned to Zidane. "Seriously, what is she doing?"

"I think she's going after Fluffy on foot. I also think she's pissed off at you for accusing Fluffy of being retarded."

"That was a _joke!_" cried Kuja. "I wasn't being serious!"

Zidane shrugged. "We'd probably better follow her, though."

"Why is my life so abnormal?"

"I ask myself the same thing, man."

* * *

They caught up with Mikoto along the mountain path. "Any luck?" asked Zidane.

"Not yet," she replied stiffly.

"Look," began Kuja, but he got no further when a distinct snapping sound came from up ahead. "What was that?" He went to investigate, with Zidane and Mikoto right behind him.

Kuja, being the first one to get to the source of the sound, gaped. A young tree growing from a ledge directly above him had snapped nearly in half. Clinging to this tree was… a little girl?

But before his brain had enough time to contemplate such an oddity, the wood snapped entirely. "ARGH!" screamed the girl desperately as she plummeted.

"Holy crap!" came Zidane from behind.

On instinct Kuja held out his arms, catching her before she hit the ground. He'd never seen a stranger-looking individual; she wore a bright yellow suit of some sort, and strapped to her back was a pair of ornamental wings. To top that, she had purple hair and a… horn protruding from her forehead. Her eyes were scrunched shut, as if she were still bracing for the impact. After a few moments passed, she opened them uncertainly.

"Am I… dead?" she asked. She noticed she was being held, and looked into Kuja's face. "Whoa! You don't have a horn. Are you an angel?"

Kuja could hear some very loud sniggering behind him. Irritated, he told the girl, "No. I'm not. And you aren't dead, either."

"I'm not? Then… then you saved me?"

"I guess I did."

"Th-thank you," she said, somewhat awed. Kuja didn't reply, but he let her down. "What's your name?"

"…Kuja."

"Hey, Kuj," said Zidane, grinning as he walked up next to them. Mikoto was right behind him. "I see you made yourself a friend."

Kuja rolled his eyes. "The annoying one is my brother, Zidane. And the one next to him is our sister, Mikoto."

"Hi," the girl said to them. But she immediately turned back to Kuja and said, "My name's Eiko. Eiko Carol of Madain Sari."

"Um, that's really… nice?" said Kuja.

"So what brings you here?" asked Eiko, still addressing Kuja.

"We're looking for a dragon," Kuja answer unenthusiastically.

"_Really?_ So, are you some sort of knight or something?"

"Um, what?"

"You know, like in the stories? The knight seeks out a monstrous dragon, has an epic battle, saves a poor damsel in distress, and then they fall in love and live happily ever after!"

There was a thud as Zidane hit the ground, nearly suffocating with silent laughter. "Is he alright?" asked Eiko.

"For the moment, he is," growled Kuja.

"Just to make a point," said Mikoto, "we are not seeking to annihilate this dragon; he is a… friend, one could say. And Kuja is not…" she put a hand over her mouth, but it was easy to discern the smile, "…as you put it, a knight."

"Really? The dragon is your _friend_?"

Hoping it would discourage her, Kuja replied, "Yep."

"That's awesome!" Well, that brilliant plan backfired. "Is that why your hair is silver?"

Kuja hesitated. "Um, I don't think so."

"Wait," said Zidane, "You said silver? You saw our dragon?"

Eiko nodded exuberantly. "Mog and I were walking by here when we saw it flying away from the Iifa Tree… I climbed up that tree up there to get a better look, but Mog was too scared and went back. At first I was afraid the dragon was gonna come after me, but it just flew on by. And not long after that was when I fell and you saved me." She flashed Kuja a winning smile.

"Right," said Kuja dully. "Which way did he go?"

"I'll show you!" She seized Kuja's hand and dragged him along. Zidane fought another laughter attack as he and Mikoto followed. "You mustn't be so rude, Zidane," she said as an aside to her brother, but she herself was grinning.

* * *

"Eeek!" cried Eiko, who clung to Kuja's waist at the sight of the silver dragon.

He brushed her off. "He's completely harmless."

"What is he doing?" asked Mikoto. Fluffy hadn't noticed them. He was preoccupied with scratching at something in the ground and occasionally snapping at it with his jaws.

"Fluffy!" yelled Kuja sternly. Fluffy whipped around, saw Kuja, Zidane, and Mikoto, ran toward them (Eiko had the sense to run out of the way), knocked all three of them down, and began alternately licking each of their faces.

"Fluffy! Fluf—Fluffy, stop!" protested Kuja; it tickled his face and made him laugh, something that was utterly undignified—and worse, Zidane was doing it too.

"Hahahahahahaha!" roared Zidane. "Good boy, Fluffy, now—hahaha!—stop before I piss my pants! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

Wait a minute… even _Mikoto _was laughing. Maybe the apocalypse _was _coming. With a gasp she managed to say, "I'm… pleased to see you as well… Fluffy…" She took a breath. "Now… get off, please."

Fluffy listened to her and released the three. They all struggled to get up. "Thank you for your assistance, Eiko Carol," said Mikoto politely.

"S-sure!" replied Eiko.

"But what _was_ he doing?" Zidane wondered. "Looked like he was digging something." They all gazed at the gouges in the earth.

"Hey!" exclaimed Eiko, hurrying over to the nearest furrow. She picked something up. "There are rock-fisted potatoes here! I never knew that…"

The siblings shared an ominous silence. "Potatoes?" asked Zidane hesitantly.

"Yeah! They taste great stewed and served with fish." Her eyes fell on Kuja again. "You guys ought to come over sometime, and I could cook some for you. Looks like your dragon friend likes them raw, though." She held up the object, and sure enough, it was a potato with an enormous, foreboding, dragon-sized bite in it.

"Potatoes?" Zidane repeated weakly.

Kuja said, "I think it's time to go now."

Eiko wore a pouty-face. "Already? Won't you stay a while longer?"

"Trust me, it's best if we all get out of here as soon as possible."

"Will I ever see you again?"

"With my luck, you probably will."

The purple-haired girl seemed to miss the sarcasm. "I'll wait for you, then!"

"Um… okay."

Zidane said, "Uh, Kuj? What about Fluffy?"

"Someone has to ride him so we can get him back to Pandemonium. And that someone is you."

"What?"

"You heard me. Come on, Mikoto, we need to get back to the Invincible." He took her by the shoulder and began walking away."

"Guys? Are you serious? Guys? DAMN IT, KUJA!"

* * *

Eiko tagged along with Mikoto and Kuja until they got to the end of the mountain pass. "Well," she said, "I guess this is goodbye for now."

"Yes, it is," agreed Kuja.

"If you're ever around… drop on by. I owe you at least a dinner for saving my life."

"Yeah… sure." The next thing he knew, she was tightly squeezing his middle.

"Goodbye, Kuja."

If only he had waited five more seconds before investigating that noise…

* * *

At long last, they were back on the airship and returning to Terra. And as a bonus, Zidane had to ride a flatulent dragon. The very idea put a smile on Kuja's face.

Seeming to read his thoughts, Mikoto pointed out, "That wasn't a very amiable way to treat Zidane."

"It's Zidane. Did honestly expect anything else?"

"Not really."

"Besides, did _you _want to bring Fluffy home."

"I can't say that I did."

"There you go."

They reached the Shimmering Island, the gate between Terra and Gaia. Bright blue light flashed, and then they were once more on Terra.

"She was quite attractive, Kuja."

He was nonplussed. "What?"

"The girl… she was quite attractive. Once she get a bit older, the two of you would be quite the couple."

"You're not supposed to have a damned twisted sense of humor!"

"I learn from the best."

Kuja rolled his eyes.

"I can already envision the matrimony ceremony."

"Damn it, Mikoto, SHUT UP!"


	18. Jekyll, Hyde, and Lycanthropy

This one was inspired by Matoi Wanna Cookie

Hey, I updated again!

Jekyll, Hyde, and Lycanthropy

_(Zidane: age 18; Mikoto: age 15; Kuja: age 20)_

Kuja heard the door open and then shut again. He paid it no mind. He was too immersed within the pages of his book. He was dimly aware of a particularly thumping set of footsteps approaching. When the perpetrator came into the outer rim of Kuja's vision, he looked up in spite of himself.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Zidane, who had had his back to him, turned around in surprise. "I'm allowed in here, aren't I?" he pointed out.

"Yes, but I never thought I'd see the day where you would walk into the _library _on your own volition."

"Hey, I'm bored."

Kuja snorted. "Whatever."

He went back to the book, but before he could find where he'd left off, Zidane asked, "Just out of curiosity, what is that, Kuj?"

"_Transcending the Hermetic: Advanced Elementalism and Metamorphoses."_

His younger brother made a face. "That sounds awful."

"Tough shit. They all have titles like that, so if your brain doesn't have the capacity to comprehend them, you're better off leaving empty-handed."

"Always taking stabs at my intelligence."

"If you can call it that."

Zidane rolled his eyes and randomly pulled a volume off of the shelf. "_The Processes and Effects of Lycanthropy. _What the hell is lycanthropy?"

"You've got the book in your hands; look it up," replied Kuja without looking up, having returned to _Transcending the Hermetic: Advanced Elementalism and Metamorphoses. _

Zidane flipped to the first page and read aloud, " 'Of all the weird and fascinating transfigurations existing in the worlds, few evoke more intrigue and fascination than that of lycanthropy. It is also one of the more fear-inducing transfigurations, as it is not a human invoked incantation and thus not reversible. Lycanthropy is the condition of a human who is forced to transform into a wolf on nights of the full moon. Said condition is the result of being bitten by a human already infected, although there is dispute on whether or not the infected must be in wolf form or not.' So… it's werewolves, right?"

Kuja, only half-paying attention, made a noncommittal noise in his throat.

Zidane did not notice, and continued, "So why use a fancy word for it? Why not just call it werewolfism? Do they like confusing people?"

"Mmm hmm" said Kuja idly.

"I mean, seriously, what kind of word is lycanthropy? Does it have any connection whatsoever with werewolves?"

"Yep."

Zidane was under suspicion that Kuja wasn't listening. "I mean, it's like hamsters will fall from the sky and throw watermelons at our heads."

"Yep."

"And Kuja looks like a woman."

"Yep." A delayed reaction made Kuja look up again. "What the hell did you just say?"

Zidane said nothing. Kuja made a Blizzard spell hit him in the head. "OUCH!"

"Keep it up, brother, and I will make sure you die slowly and painfully." He went back, yet again, to his book.

" 'In the Terran Empire, many are of the opinion…' " read Zidane. "Whoa… talk about an outdated book… sheesh."

"Are you going to do that the whole time?" snapped Kuja.

"Do what?"

"Never mind. I'm going elsewhere."

"Someone's got their Kupo nuts in a twist."

Kuja blinked. "Quite frankly, I don't think I want to know what that means."

"Just an expression."

"Right." Kuja marked his place, closed _Transcending the Hermetic, _and walked out of the library. Shiva, was that idiot annoying! As he walked, he glanced at the tome in his hand… Maybe there was a spell in there for turning an obnoxious brother into a moogle… Except that would probably make him even more obnoxious.

He remained wrapped in his own thoughts until his foot connected with something, bringing him flat on his face. When he picked himself up and looked for the object responsible for tripping him, he had to do a triple-take.

"Uh… Mikoto?"

"Hello, Kuja," she replied as if it were completely normal to simply sit cross-legged in the middle of the floor.

"Is there… any particular reason why you're down there?"

"You wouldn't appreciate it if I told you, so I won't."

How the hell do you react to a statement like that? "Um… okay?" Something made him ask, "Are you just going to sit there all day?"

Her body language stiffened. "What difference does it make?"

Thrown off by the abrupt transition, Kuja replied, "None whatsoever… I was just… wondering. I mean, sitting in the middle of the floor is just… peculiar."

"So you're insinuating that I'm mentally unsound."

"I wasn't insinuating anything! But since you brought it up, maybe you are!" She stood up and that and glared at him in a surprisingly frightening manner. Kuja was quickly becoming disturbed. "Are… are you alright?"

"JUST WHAT IN ODIN'S NAME DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH ME? I'M _**FINE**_!"

"I might beg to differ…"

Mikoto punched him in the face.

Kuja clapped a hand over his eye. "What the HELL?"

"Just GO AWAY!" She turned and made to leave, but then stopped and looked over her shoulder. None of the boiling anger was left. "I… I apologize about that." Before Kuja knew it, tears began falling down her face. Just when he thought it couldn't get any more awkward. But it was that moment that Mikoto decided to leave without another word.

Ten seconds ticked away, and Kuja still stood there, utterly confused. He walked down the hallway without paying attention to where he was going, until he heard his least favorite voice in the whole universe.

"You know," said Zidane, not looking up from his book and acting as if Kuja had never left, "This werewolf stuff is pretty interesting. You know what it reminds me of, though?"

"What?" asked Kuja in monotone.

"It reminds me of chicks, you know? 'That time of the month?' I mean, 'abrupt changes in behavior?' 'Heightened aggression?' I heard a rumor once that that female cycle thing has to do with certain phases of the moon or something. I mean, it's weird, almost. It's like a type of female werewolfism." Zidane finally looked up at his older brother. "What the hell happened to your eye? It's purple."

"Funny you should talk about that 'female werewolfism.' I think our sister is currently afflicted with it."

Zidane laughed long and hard. "No shit. Why do you think I came here in the first place?"


End file.
